I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure college is expensive. After four years of paying for
alcohol food, and for drugs dorms, and for hookers books, I am pretty much done giving my hard earned bucks to this institution. Instead of understanding my grievances, the school is asking that I shell out even more cash for some mythical thing called the “senior fund”. Is it a special reserve of cash for all the over-60 year olds in America? Apparently not. Instead, it’s a gift the senior class gives as a token of our gratitude for all the knowledge we’ve attained in our stint as underclassmen. Oh, but it can only go to pre-approved programs and projects. Hm – wanna know what I would actually donate my dolla$$ to? If you don’t want to know stop reading, because I am going to tell you anyway.
1. Clap- on / Clap – off lights in Dorms
Other than shitting your pants during a hot summer month, there is no worse feeling than getting all cozy in bed, only to realize that the light switch is miles away. Take my money, Senior Fund. Get me some clap – on lights. It will also get pimp points during hookups.
A friend told me that shitting your pants in summer feels terrible, it’s not like I know from experience.
2. Alternative Transportation to Faraway Buildings
If #1 didn’t sell this point enough, I am lazy. I hate walking to classes that I could easily drive to and/or teleport to (if technology would hurry the fuck up). Easy solution: seniors donate money, future students get horseback rides or segway rides or Razr Scooter rides for free. Maybe a horse with its front legs on a segway and each back leg on a Razr. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.
3. Turducken Tuesdays in Dining Halls
For the uncultured readers out there, a turducken is the clusterfuck of meats. It is a chicken, nestled inside a duck, lovingly shoved into a turkey. It is also the answer to the question, What will make me a more well-adjusted and productive member of this college community? Put the ‘fun’ in ‘Senior Fund’: give the students a weekly dose of SUPERMEAT. Oh, and vegans can GTFO.
4. Study Abroad Program… ON MARS
Will I donate money so that Suzy Sophomore can learn how to make baguettes in Paris? No. Will I donate money so that we can eventually careen into space, build a base on another planet, and take classes on INTERGALACTIC SEX moonrocks and shit? You know the answer to that, Senior Fund.
Alright, so these might not be the most doable Senior Fund ideas. But #5 is doable, profitable, and way better than “the curriculum” or “internship stipends”. Who needs those anyway? If a senior donates enough money, it should go towards:
5. Their FACE on a building!!!
Imagine your library. If you’ve ever seen it and/or been inside of it. Now, imagine that library WITH YOUR FACE ON THE OUTSIDE. Senior Fund, I will give you all the rubles and yuan I have, if students can walk into my mouth when they enter a building.
I won’t give you actual American dollars though, because I know none of these dreams will ever come true.
What about you? Where would your money go, if you donated to the Senior Fund?