I’ve noticed you haven’t chipped in for paper towels or dish
soap or anything since Joe adopted you and you moved in six weeks ago. It was pretty nice of us to just let you move in halfway through a lease and
give you that spot in the kitchen where I used to store boxes. It wasn’t a huge
deal and we understand that you’re a puppy and whatever, but I just thought you’d be contributing more as a
Honestly, I think this boiling point is a
good time to just air all my grievances.
Like, I’m all for loud weekend parties, but your noisy whining (especially during finals week!!!) was especially inconsiderate. I don’t know if you’re lonely or just drunk, or
both, but I think you should start trying to get attention in more constructive
ways. It’s unattractive. Know your limits.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that a lot of what you spend time doing is pooping on the floor. That’s fine. You’re a puppy. I’d like, at least, for you to try to apologize.
We’ve come a long way from those times you bit me, but I really wish we could communicate better. When I tried to extend the olive branch by
inviting you downtown last weekend and Joe was like “you can’t take her to a
bar, she’s a dog” I knew he was just covering for the fact that you didn’t want
to go. That really hurt me.
Also! You’re totally going to play innocent, but I know that time I had a guy over you knew what you were doing ““ he
obviously went straight to you and called you “cute” right in front of me the second we got in the house, but you didn’t
even try to discourage it. You rolled right over and let him put his hands all
over you. AND ““ as if that wasn’t enough! ““ you kept following us around, staring at us, and peed on the carpet.
The carpet thing is a separate issue, but I want to warn
you that guy-poaching is a pretty unforgivable quality in a friend. Girl to girl.
So you know what?? I’ll just say it! Bad. Girl. Stop it! Sit! No treats for you! I’ll resolve
things if you’re willing to work with me, but I know better than to expect it
Get a job,