Syracuse University spokesman Dustin Grant announced details of the school’s inquiry into accusations of child sex abuse by SU assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine. Grant revealed that the investigation in 2005 was conducted by a crack squad of 7 domesticated house cats.
“The administration felt that this was the best group to conduct a fair and independent investigation regarding the accusations made against Mr. Fine,” Grant said in a press conference Wednesday morning.
The spokesman went on to say that after looking into the matter, the cats found nothing to corroborate the allegations made by Bobby Davis, a Syracuse ball boy throughout the 1980s.
SU strove to achieve diversity when it selected its team to consider the accusations: two American shorthairs, one Persian, one Chartreux, and three European shorthairs. “The cats interviewed many witnesses, including Mr. Fine and Mr. Davis, and collected evidence to reach a conclusion that fully satisfied the financial interests of the University–excuse me, that concluded there was nothing to these claims, to the satisfaction of the administration,” Grant said.
In fact, Grant added, the cats couldn’t even find enough evidence to turn in a written report.
When asked if the house cats actually possessed the ability to read and write, Grant replied, “Probably.”
Campus Basement was able to locate and contact one of the cats involved in the investigation. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the cat said “Meow.”