In
big news this week, the Trojan Marching Band, aka “The Spirit of Troy,” released the name of the individual to succeed their directing legend
after 42 glorious years: none other than the current director, Dr.
Arthur C. Bartner. You may have heard his booming voice on occasion when
walking past Cromwell Track and Field.

This
very tough decision was made by a committee consisting solely of Dr. Arthur C. Bartner. “He was really just the best candidate for the job. Definitely
the most qualified, and the right kind of personality for what we do.
Who better than the guy who created our style the same year man walked
on the moon and Woodstock?” one band senior told us, frequently stopping
to chug from a bottle of Gatorade. Other members were spotted crying
what could only be tears of joy on the field. The band’s four assistant
directors were not available for comments on the decision.

The band office later released a statement denying any form of nepotism in the decision process.

Bartner,
who has conducted “Tribute to Troy” a record 20,500 times and turned 71
this year, told the Los Angeles Times regarding his decision never to
retire: “I don’t know “” 71 doesn’t flow easy from my mouth, because I
don’t feel that way. I don’t know what you’re supposed to feel like. So
I’m going to keep doing it as long as it’s still fun, the kids are still
great “¦ I’m having a great time.”

The
decision and Bartner’s inability to feel age have led some to speculate
that the man hails from a new species of death-defying humans, and the
term “immortal” has been tossed around. Desperate for his secret, sales
for Bartner’s book The Man On the Ladder recently soared in the 60-90 demographic when senior citizens mistook it for a guide to climbing ladders.

The
director himself has even stated that medical experts cannot explain
this rare phenomena. Regarding his voice: “Doctors have looked at it, I
have nodes, my vocal cords are all stretched out, but it still works.”
This miracle has given a whole new meaning to the Trojan phrase “fight
on.”

Regardless,
there seems to be bucketfulls of fun in store for the members and
alumni of the TMB, who will now get to hear Bartner’s signature roar for
many years to come. “I can’t wait until I can go to the games and see
my kids and grand kids and their kids being conducted by Dr. Bartner!” a
trumpet-player maniacally cackled. “He really will be the greatest marching band director in the history of the universe. Ever.”

With
no swan song in sight, Ray-Ban sunglasses is offering celebratory Art
Bartner aviators, and Levi’s announced a new “High Waisted Jeans for
Older Men” collection inspired by the denim-wearing legend.

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