Welcome to our campus. I’m going to walk backwards in flip flops and tell you all about it. My name’s Tyler, and I’d like to go around the group and find out everyone’s names. Let’s start with [you].
Thanks for coming, [your name] and [your parents’ names]. Now we’ll move on to the lovely lady next to you.
Erica. That’s the prettiest name I’ve ever heard. Wait, what’s that? You’re “just his sister”? Well…don’t think that makes you any less important.
In fact, I’d say you’re more important.
We’re already here at the science building, so let’s go into this lab. As you can see we’ve got the latest technology and great facilities. That’s why our pre-med program’s so great at getting people into med school so they can be rich doctors. Ha ha ha!
I know because I’ll soon be one of those rich doctors.
Now let’s go on across the Quad, where I’ll bring up the history of this area in a way that involves Native Americans, making me sound culturally aware. That brings us here, at the Student Union, home to a huge range of extracurriculars and activities. It even has an auditorium that seats three thousand people. I still can’t believe my band sold the place out.
Oh by the way, I play lead guitar in a band.
As we head out of the Student Union we come upon Remembrance Circle. This is a memorial to the time when, in a terrible tragedy, over a dozen of our University’s students were horribly…oh I’m sorry. I got choked up just then. No matter how many times I give this tour the tragedy chokes me up, because I’m so sensitive.
Of course I’m totally still available as a shoulder to cry on.
Now we’ll go uphill toward the gym. It’s got all kinds of equipment and great hours and the students get a lot of use out of it. Actually I’d be sweating right now if I wasn’t in that gym so often.
I’ve got crazy good endurance.
Now let’s go to that dorm all the way across campus. It’s got the dining hall you see here, where a lot of students get work-study jobs. Although those jobs don’t pay as well as being a tour guide does and I have plenty of money to buy drinks for girls.
Then let’s check out room #503. It’s not the dorm room I show every tour group or something. Because it’s my dorm room. Yeah, that super clean one with the bigger-than-usual bed. I’ll go on in and dim the lights down low and put on some unthreatening indie rock at a chill volume.
Oh and it’s kind of small so how about people from this tour group only come in one at a time.
[27 minutes pass]
Hey, sorry, just showing Erica the…anyone have any questions about anything?
We’ll finish up here in the library. Over 3 million books plus a wide array of electronic materials. And over there is the DVD collection, where you can check out the latest movies.
Wait, you all could check out an R-rated movie, right?
You could check out an R-rated movie, couldn’t you Erica?
But you could at least “check out an R-rated movie” without telling anyone you “checked it out”, right?
Hey great tour my name is [covers name tag] Deion. Bye! [runs out of library]
