It was a riveting few months, from Lebron taking some Heat to Conan’s return to the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. In case you’ve been living inside a beer can (or several beer cans) for a while, here’s what you missed.
Repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
In the last weeks of a Democrat-dominated Congress, the act of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell for individuals serving in the military, was overturned. We can’t help but find it ironic that it was Bill Clinton who originally conceived of this policy that suggests what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors.
Business Time
The Fall 2010 semester saw a drop in the number of business majors at schools nationwide. However, the number of people who have respect for students majoring in business has steadily remained at zero.
The Fuck List
Karen Owen, a student at Duke University, submitted a “Fuck List” for her final thesis project, wherein she documented her sexual encounters with a substantial percentage of the Duke population, including pros, cons, and a raw score. Said one test subject who scored particularly poorly, “In my defense, she kept stopping every four seconds to write down notes in her book. So it was kind of hard to concentrate.”
Shake Wake
By August 2010, a reported 2 million Shake Weight units had been sold for a total of $40 million in sales. For those who don’t know, the Shake Weight is a revolutionary piece of exercise equipment that gives its users an improved ability to avoid pregnancy. It’s not a contraceptive, but with the skills the Shake Weight provides, it might as well be. Watch a demonstration here.
Republicans lead at the midterm elections
Despite the increasing awareness regarding Glenn Beck’s and Sarah Palin’s sincere lacking in mental fortitude and political intellect, more states went red. Kentucky took the cake as the most controversial decision, electing Rand Paul, who once denounced the Civil Rights Act of 1964, to the state Senate. Kentucky has clearly made some progressive strides since the ’60s.
Four Loko Prohibition
The short but sweet moments that college kids and middle schoolers shared with the always affordable and guaranteed to take your BAC from 0 to 0.4 in half in hour alcohol energy drink Four Loko (AKA blackout in a can) were cut short after the FDA finally realized that it was making people batshit crazy and banned it completely from store shelves everywhere. Now that the main instigator of all of America’s problems have been solved by eliminating this caffeinated malt beverage from the market, many predict that we may be able to focus on the next order of business on Obama’s priority list: purchasing a Kindle for each member of the presidential cabinet.
Stealing Harvard
Adam Wheeler pleaded guilty this semester to larceny and identity fraud after conning his way into Harvard by using phony transcripts and letters of recommendation. His actions motivated Harvard to increase security measures so that admissions officials get to know applicants before admitting them. So if you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before, try following up your on-campus interview with a good old-fashioned anal probe.
Never Gonna Give You Up
A student on Reddit boasted of an amazing feat when he Rickrolled his professor by hiding Rick Astley’s famous song “Never Gonna Give You Up” in his essay. The student went above and beyond the last student to attempt to Rickroll a professor when, in 2007, Michael Collins simply submitted the song lyrics as his final paper for an economics class. (He also received an A+, but only because his professor was a huge Rick Astley fan.)
T﹠A
The Transportation Security Administration unveiled a new piece of technology: a full-body scanner. Many were disconcerted by the fact that TSA officials are able to see them naked, though airports are citing a record number of flights booked for Brett Favre.
Pablo Picasso Estate Glad Painter is Dead
The late Pablo Picasso’s painting entitled “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust” sold for $106.5 million, setting a new world record for sale price for a work of art. Art historians are calling the painting the “most expensive nudey magazine ever.” After the buddies of the anonymous buyer showed him online pornography, he immediately found his receipt for the painting and returned it for store credit.
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