On Thursday, officials from Hutchings Psychiatric Center in
Syracuse arrived on campus to retrieve one of their patients. Most SU students
know this man as James Gilroy, a psychology professor who teaches Drugs and
Human Behavior and Intro to Psychology.

“We apologize to the entire SU community,” said Hutchings
Representative Herbert Gray.

While SU officials were grateful for the apology, SU
students were not so thrilled to learn that the professor, who had become a
favorite among the student body, was leaving them.

“I learned so much from Professor Gilroy,” defended Rebecca
Lawrence, a sophomore psych major. “For instance, did you know that if you
combine LSD and Twizzlers, you hallucinate so badly that your body will
actually go into orbit? That’s crazy shit!”

Other students were not at all surprised by the news. “The
guy spent an awful lot of time just twitching and yelling at people that no one
else ever saw. I was pretty certain that he was certifiably insane. Or from
another planet. Actually, it would have made more sense if he was from another

“We have never had this problem before, where a patient has
gone missing for such a long time,” said Mr. Gray.

Gilroy, whose real name is Daniel Steinwich, had been an SU
professor for the last 27 years. “Yeah, that’s my bad,” said Gray. “I must’ve
left the door open or something.”