Hofstra’s public safety department has a long and proud history of ensuring the minimal safety of the public, and by “public”, we mean “2 1/2 people”, and that’s on a good day. “Good days” meaning that for the public safety officers at Hofstra, it might as well be the battle of Iwo Jima. They very rarely are called upon to actually ensure someone’s safety, mostly being there to open doors for freshman who are currently being sexiled and don’t know it, and also to lurch around in windbreakers and look generally like upcoming stars of the new series “Virgin Diaries.”

Point being, that the menial tasks to which they are entrusted mostly fall short of the “important” variety. Putting it simply (as I know I have to do for you Hofstra students), in a poll taken by Fox News (we paid them in the severed scalps of Democrats), 99% of people, if faced between the choice of either buying a newborn bunny, raising it, naming it, cuddling with it, and then murdering it and feasting on it’s innards with their bare hands, or dealing with Hofstra public safety, would choose the former. “Now why would they do this?”, you may be asking yourself. Well, shut your floppy pussy lips and I’ll tell you why. It’s because bunny rabbit entrails taste like s’mores and Jesus cum.

No no you needle dick cracker, why don’t people like Hofstra public safety?”I presume you are now asking through gritted teeth, exposed blood vessels, and mouth foam. Well, soften your nipples cowgirl and I shall tickle your genitals with a tall tale of a Freshman Hofstra student, a call to public safety, and a chode load of unsubstantiated facts.

It all began one dry and wheezy winter night in December of 2005, it was as cold, arid and deserted as Betty White’s crotch. Freshman student Axle “Short” Elan (named so for being a creepy little midget) walked up to his door, ignoring the semen encrusted sock on the handle, and seized that sucker like Adele at an IHOP (and she has coupons)and noticed that it was locked, and he also noticed that he had left his keys in the room (because he was a midget). “Not to worry, I’ll just call public safety”, he thought. He thought this, he did not say it aloud. Wanna know why? ‘Cause he was a midget. Anyway, he called public safety, and told them that he was locked out of his room, forgot his keys, and that they needed to come and let him in. “Alright, stand by”, said the public safety officer. And there adorable little Axle sat and waited, betwixed (this is a Christmas story, we use “World of Warcraft” speak in Christmas stories, ye hethen!) as to why the public safety officers had not shown up. He had been waiting for a good few hours, and not wearing any sort of coat or jacket or shirt or pants or underwear, slowly began to freeze to death. He was found in the morning by a hungover public safety officer, who at first actually thought his corpse was a snowman, but upon further inspection (i.e. anal penetration) discovered that it was the frozen corpse of a midget. A funeral was held (a midget funeral) and the public safety officer was punished for his incompetence, and transferred over to another institution where a man like him would be better suited (DeVry).

His body was donated to Hofstra’s medical school, against the family’s wishes, of course.

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