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Life Lessons: Desk Edition
Picture by
Nick Ciccone
December 6, 2011 at 4:01 pm
"What's the point? We're all just gonna die anyway."
THANKS FOR THE INFO HIPPY-DESK! How about YOU write my final papers? Eh?
What Your Professors Are REALLY Saying
Hofstra professors are very much like fortune cookies””they are as insightful as they are tasty. Relax, I’m kidding! They’re NOT insightful (they’re just tasty). In fact, every once in awhile you get a really stupid fortune cookie that likes giving a lot of homework. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve loved a staggering 35% of my... MORE »
Brown-Nosers on the Rise
Attention students of Hofstra University: A new species of brown-noser is currently lurking in our humble slice of Hempstead-paradise. Just last month, scientists at UCLA have noted a rapid and continuing increase in the presence of unique “suck-ups” on college campuses across the nation. To quote a reliable bystander, “They be climbin’ in yo classrooms... MORE »
The Final Commute
Being a commuter can be tough. Whether you’ve decided to live at home to save money or because you couldn’t part with your stuffed animals, the commuter gene is a part of your DNA. Commuters like to keep to themselves, and so they rarely disclose that they live at home. The only way to tell... MORE »
Greek Week: a GDI’s POV
So last Tuesday, I get out of class at like 6:00 PM, and these big guys wearing t-shirts, and pennies with Greek letters on them are running around in this big relay race all over campus. I’m going to the library to grab some coffee when this guy eats it right in front of Hofstra... MORE »
An Only Child’s Guide to Siblings Day
February brings a lot to the table as the second month of the year. We’ve got Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, and the all too important Canadian Heritage Day. But one day in particular has got me feeling like I’ve inhaled too many nail polish fumes – Siblings Day. Why, do you ask? Simple: I am... MORE »
Coverage of Saturday’s Game (By Someone Who Doesn’t Get Sports)
In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. The men’s basketball team played a game this past Saturday against Northeastern that was also especially heinous. Here is every thought that crossed my mind throughout the game: > How intensely do I have to cheer when we score? I guess I’ll just... MORE »
Intelligence Goes Down in Flames.
Today, in the Mack Student Center cafeteria, a fire broke out unexpectedly. This caused stir and panic amongst the students, some wondering why the fire started, and some wondering which silly person could have caused it? Apparently, at around four o’clock in the afternoon, a girl, whose current identity will remain anonymous, put a plate... MORE »
Dorm Room Saga: Guy-Posters vs. Girl-Posters
There are several ways to tell the difference between a guy and a girl: length of hair, ability to drive a car, absence of a penis, etc. But one surefire way to shout your gender from a mountaintop is what you post on your dorm room wall. Your dorm room says a hell of a... MORE »
Pubic Safety Department
Perhaps taking to heart my comments concering the competence and overall affectiveness of the public “safety” department, the Hofstra boner strokers and ass shakers (let’s be honest, the economy is tough) have decided to do something practical and useful for the entirety of the student body. In between handing over cash to Bernie Madoff and... MORE »
Intelligence Goes Down in Flames; An Apology Rises
Today in the Mack Student center, an idiot put a paper plate with bread on it in the toaster. This idiot then saw the flames, far from an “inferno”, and ran to the cashier to report the fire. And, embarrassed as I am to admit, that idiot was me. I know what you’re thinking and... MORE »
The 7 People You’ll Find on the Quad
It’s springtime in Hofstraland peoples. Shit be bloomin’, and you can quote me. Once again you’ll find the quads mobbed with a wide variety of student culture. Check out the list so you know what to look for. 1.) The half naked sunbather: They’re out there all right. Spread eagle on our Hofstra benches, catchin’... MORE »
Dorm Room Saga: Guy-Posters vs. Girl-Posters
There are several ways to tell the difference between a guy and a girl: length of hair, ability to drive a car, absence of a penis, etc. But one surefire way to shout your gender from a mountaintop is what you post on your dorm room wall. Your dorm room says a hell of a... MORE »
Snooki’s Baby-Daddy Goes to Hofstra
As it turns out, Snooki is not the main character of the film, “A Clockwork Orange.” But she’s been as controversial. Known for her binge drinking and slurred speech, Snooki appears to be more pregnant than usual these days. The question on everyone’s mind is, who’s her baby-daddy? I’m here to tell you all that... MORE »
New Academic Building Actually a Spaceship
Hofstra’s not-so-New Academic building will give anyone an architectural boner. It’s sleek, sexy, and streamlined to perfection. But don’t let its clever name fool you, it has been confirmed that the building is actually a fully functional spacecraft built by NASA. That’s right, NASA. Shit just got serious. The New Academic building or, NAB, for... MORE »
Student Trapped in Elevator: “Kim Kardashian’s Tweets Saved My Life”
It’s been quite a week here at Hofstra: the weather’s been beautiful, professors have been absent, and I can’t think of a third clause. But for some, there have been better weeks. Fred No-go, a fictitious yet lovable Hofstra freshman, was stuck in the library elevator for 5 hours on Sunday night. Here’s what he... MORE »
Coverage of Saturday’s Game (By Someone Who Doesn’t Get Sports)
In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. The men’s basketball team played a game this past Saturday against Northeastern that was also especially heinous. Here is every thought that crossed my mind throughout the game: > How intensely do I have to cheer when we score? I guess I’ll just... MORE »
How to Seduce the Elderly
Finding a companion is hard these days. If you’re like me, you probably feel like you’ve tried everything. Holding the door for her, walking her home, watching her undress from outside her bedroom window. You know, romance. But sometimes chivalry isn’t enough, gents. Nowadays, women care about ridiculous qualities like, “Will my parents like him?”... MORE »
The Final Commute
Being a commuter can be tough. Whether you’ve decided to live at home to save money or because you couldn’t part with your stuffed animals, the commuter gene is a part of your DNA. Commuters like to keep to themselves, and so they rarely disclose that they live at home. The only way to tell... MORE »
What Your Professors Are REALLY Saying
Hofstra professors are very much like fortune cookies””they are as insightful as they are tasty. Relax, I’m kidding! They’re NOT insightful (they’re just tasty). In fact, every once in awhile you get a really stupid fortune cookie that likes giving a lot of homework. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve loved a staggering 35% of my... MORE »
Brown-Nosers on the Rise
Attention students of Hofstra University: A new species of brown-noser is currently lurking in our humble slice of Hempstead-paradise. Just last month, scientists at UCLA have noted a rapid and continuing increase in the presence of unique “suck-ups” on college campuses across the nation. To quote a reliable bystander, “They be climbin’ in yo classrooms... MORE »