Patiently, all men on campus are waiting for the first day of spring. Nay, I am not talking about March 20th. Do you take us men for mere astronomers? Fie on you, knaves!* I am discussing the REAL first day of spring which nears ever sooner, thanks to one of the balmiest winters ever experienced in my tenure at Hofstra, it is bound to come earlier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about Sundress Day. As the bears shed weight in their annual hibernation, an eclectic group of beautiful graceful women you can only find at Hofstra University will shed their clothes. Underneath it all, they will bear thin layers of cotton with patterns of flowers, polka dots, and cheetah patterns. Meow, good sir! Meow, indeed!
Sightings of sundresses have already been made all over campus in the past week, but none at such a scale I am discussing. Students of the female persuasion will do it together at a telepathic level of communication on one fine sunny day to come; this is much like women who spend a lot of time together magically synchronize their periods together. The bonds of sisterhood are stronger than we men can imagine. And for that, I thank you. They will take naps under trees, eat their lunch outside, and let their flow like gallant unicorn’s stride along a starry meadow. Sundress Day is the true first day of spring.
Now many mistakes were made as per last week, many sundresses were thought to have been seen across campus, but erroneous claims have to be made “roneous” again. It was not spring yet for girls were seen in sweater dresses. Short-sleeved sweaters elongated to bind around a lady’s thighs whether thick or thin made for a sleek look in a late winter mindset. This mistake is often made as Sweater Dress day is the Groundhog’s Day. In around six dog weeks, or some sort of mysterious calculation only the mighty female mystique can make, Sundress Day is soon to come.
Legs never look so long, skin never appears so fair, and men never seem so distracted yet focused all in the same day. Sorry Christmas, but you are the most wonderful time of the year only to brats who want a lot of gifts. Sundress day is about being selfless. Women share their beauty, and men are kind enough to not force upon any clothing restrictions or ignore them completely for at least one sharing time of the year. If only every day could be Sundress Day, people would stop being killed, gas prices would fall, neighbors would care for each other again, and everyone would hold hands across the world and sing in praise of Sundress Day. If every day were Sundress Day, humanity could solve all their problems, and peace would guide the planet**. Ladies, the world rests on your beauty.
*Still speaking Shakespeare, even when I write.
**And love will steer the stars. This is the Age of Aquarius. The Age of Aquarius. Aquarius!