It’s springtime in Hofstraland peoples. Shit be bloomin’, and you can quote me. Once again you’ll find the quads mobbed with a wide variety of student culture. Check out the list so you know what to look for.
1.) The half naked sunbather:
They’re out there all right. Spread eagle on our Hofstra benches, catchin’ some UV’s. The quad is a great place to kill some time between classes, listen to some music, or wake up confused and covered in sharpie the day after St. Patty’s.
2.) The shitty guitar player:
There he will be. Kickin’ it under a tree thinkin’ he’s Ringo Star or somethin’. They’re usually alone, trying to lure people over with the “power of music, man.” I once walked by a guitar player on the quad who, as if in a fit of rage, screamed “CHECK ME OUT ON MYSPACE MAN!” I shouted back at him, “OKAY I’LL SEE IF I HAVE TIME LATER I’M KINDA BUSY WITH MIDTERMS.”
3.) The professional Frisbeers:
You really can put “pro” in front of anything these days. They’ll be a group of people diving for a frisbee acting like they don’t know anyone’s watching them DIVE FOR A FRISBEE ON THE QUAD. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty sure people are gonna do a double-take when they see Ursula, the 400 lb. foreign exchange student from Munich making divits with her teeth after snatching a frisbee from midair.
4.) The professional eaters:
These are the rebellious types who reject the social construct of eating on a table. Eating a burger sitting Indian style on the quad with no napkins is gonna turn some heads. To be fair, this isn’t really something you’ll find exclusively during springtime, or exclusively outdoors. People will eat ANYWHERE (I’m looking at you kid-who-eats-in-the-Breslin-bathroom-stall-on-Friday-mornings).
5.) The wayfarer too rebellious for anything that isn’t organic but who for some reason is cool with smoking:
To be honest, I’m surprised hipsters even go outdoors at all. What’s more mainstream than being outside? Hipsters should invent some kinda eco-friendly bubble to constantly be inside and when questioned about it they’ll can something vague like: “Whatever, man.” Plus, it might contain the smell.
6.) The flyer-hander-outer:
In the nice weather, you’ll see people with paper. Avoid at all costs. “Do you want to–” Whoa, hold it right there madam. I don’t want to do anything. I’m walking to class right now, while eating a burrito (which is difficult, mind you). That’s all the stage direction says. “Nick is walking to class, eating a burrito, and doing nothing else.” I’m already doing too many things per square foot, what are the chances I care about what’s on your flyer?
7.) PDA (Pelvic Display of Affection)
Last but least, are the lovebirds. The happy couple who we all love to hate. “God, can’t they get a room?” In the nice weather they’ll be out there gettin’ all kinds of nasty: holding hands, eskimo kissing, laughing, blinking–disgustingly sappy shit, I know. Yet there they will be. There they will be.
If you’re in doubt about anything I’ve said, consider this quote that I’m posting because I wish I’d thought of it first:
“I’m never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.”
– Unknown
