Once a week has never been so satisfying.

Weekly Sex,

I’m not the only one in
this situation, I’ve definitely talked to other people who are the same way,
but it’s almost the end of freshman year and I’ve still never kissed anybody.
Should I just keep waiting?? I don’t want all the pressure to be on the first
great person I’m involved with, but I also don’t want to be sad about throwing
it away.

Stay vanilla?, freshman

Dear Vanilla
planifolia
,

The
formula to discover the fraction of time passed in college before kisses is g(a),

g(a)
= (sm)^a+ach+n^a+w

where a
+ 1 =
the ordinal number of the kiss. For a first kiss, where a =
0
, the solution becomes obvious:

g(0)
= (sm)^0+0ch+n^0+w

-Professor
Pratt

Dear Vanilla,

I
understand why you’d be scared but I promise you that there’s nothing to be
scared of, so just give me a call sometime and I can show you a thing or two.
;)

Love
& Kisses (for real),

Roy

Vanilla,

I
think in this situation it would help to think of your lips as a fantastic bowl
of marijuana. It’s no fun to smoke it by yourself. Share! Your lips, I mean.
With people. Because like the dude’s penis, your face is beautiful! People
probably want to kiss your face and you just don’t know. So let them. It’ll be
awesome.

Good
luck!

Becca

Dear Mr./Miss Vanilla,

Now
THIS is something I can speak about! Not that I can’t about everything else,
but, well I’m just especially good for this one. This is exciting because I can
answer you about kissing and it won’t be like I’m trying to pass it off like
it’s an intentional sex metaphor when really I’m just speaking literally…
because I never need to do that ever.

You
know me.

Back
to your issue. Not only am I well versed in kissing, but I am arguably even
more experienced with “not throwing things away.” I’m not talking
about trash.

I’m
talking about after all this time, I’ve still managed to be a… oh sorry no, I
guess I did mean to say trash hoarder.

As
much as I complain, here’s what I think about the waiting game: the first one
is probably gonna be awkward because it’s the first one, so wouldn’t you rather
have that awkward experience with somebody that you’re comfortable with?
Remember, I’m talking about kissing here, mostly.

-Lia

Better Than Chocolate,

Yes!
Yes! Hallelujah! Keep waiting dear! That’s your one way ticket to the Red
Lobster in the sky. You sound just like me at your age (well, until I was
married Sophomore year of high school).

But
you know, it’s not about “throwing it away” or the “right
person,” it’s about who you’re married to. I’ll tell you a secret: No one
likes their husband. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. So keep on waiting
until you find the “right” guy (whoever proposes), and kiss your
heart out! (I’ll also tell you that it’s easier if you hold your nose. Harder
to vomit.)

Kisses,

Quinn

Vanilla,

I’m not going to lie to you, you’re
at a terrifying crossroads right now ““ to the right, as you’ve correctly
guessed, is the well-paved vanilla highway, lined with daisies and parental
approval and whatever. You’ll be fine, it’ll happen eventually, etc. To the
left is a whiplash vortex of impulse nudity, sleep deprivation, constant
apologies, high fives and being (in a bad way) “that girl!”

Think fast! Your self destructive
tendencies, or lack thereof, will make themselves known.

Leftly,

Leah

HEY, YOU!
Yeah, you! Who just read this sexy, enlightening article! If you’d like advice
about a personal problem from our knowledgey staff, email
cbweeklysex@gmail.com.