Valentine’s Day came and went. And with it came Cupid and his bow and arrow. Only this year, it seems that Cupid forgot his own arrow and was forced to “borrow” from someone else. That someone else was the Saltine Warrior (featured to the right).
The night before Valentine’s Day, when the Saltine Warrior was asleep, Cupid flew in and stole the warrior’s arrow right out from under his nose (see photo). And for the past four days, Salty has held vigil, waiting for Cupid to return what is rightfully his. But to no avail. So on late Wednesday night, Salty filed a police report with SPD, putting out an APB for Cupid.
Police were suspicious about the event at first, inquiring as to why Saltine Warrior waited four days before contacting the authorities. “I was ashamed,” admits Salty. “I’ve never had anything stolen from me before, and it’s embarrassing. I’m supposed to be this badass warrior, and this prancing little fairy comes in and steals my manhood. It’s humiliating.”
Cupid is still wanted by Syracuse Police, and officials have stated that they plan to broaden their search within the coming days if Cupid does not return the stolen property. In addition, officials are requiring that Cupid pay the Saltine Warrior damages due to the personal injury his reputation has suffered as a result of the loss of his ammunition. “I look ridiculous,” says Salty, “look at me. Every day I have to pretend that everything’s fine, just standing here with a bow and no arrow. What the hell am I going to do with a bow? It’s like having testicles and no penis.”
Admittedly, it’s unlikely that Cupid will return the arrow, since the warrior no longer poses a threat. Instead, the Saltine Warrior is reduced to a weeping, emasculated version of his former self, incapable of intimidating even a flying baby wearing a diaper. Perhaps, if life as a statue doesn’t work out, he’d be better suited for SU Football.