For the protection and safety of Syracuse University
students, faculty, staff and neighbors,

SU’s Department of Public Safety (DPS) releases the
following alert:




On Thursday,
Oct. 28, a brave, heroic student named Alex Rosenthal reported that he was
approached by an unknown suspect at approximately 3:00am on the 600 block of
Euclid Avenue. The suspect, who was just another random townie chump in a
hoodie like always, pulled out a knife and demanded Alex’s money. Bad move. As
it turned out, Alex is a tenth degree blackbelt in Brazilian jiujitsu. Instead
of surrendering his wallet like a little pussy, he courageously dropkicked the
knife right out of this idiot’s hand, slammed the guy’s stupid face against the
sidewalk, and ripped his head totally off! Badass!


If you’re
thinking what Alex did was illegal, pffffft, yea right. You can just shut up, because
at least a hundred cheerleaders and hot sorority girls witnessed the whole
thing, and they can all testify that his super impressive display of dominance
was an act of self-defense, and murder charges would definitely not hold up in
court, so don’t even waste your time trying.


The suspect
was last seen without a head, so the Syracuse community can rest easy knowing
that a hero like Alex Rosenthal is taking these jerks off the streets for good.
Alex was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, a Pulitzer Prize, and a gigantic mansion
for his heroic deeds. He was not injured during the course of the incident.


For your safety, please

report emergencies or suspicious activities to Alex Rosenthal. But don’t ask
him to escort you anywhere.

·      Never
walk alone unless your friends ditch you.

·      If
you think someone is following you, kick their ass.

·      Don’t
approach strangers or let them get close to you, unless they have candy.

·      If
someone tries to rob you, grab their neck with both of your hands and squeeze
until they stop trying to rob you.

·      Try
to get a description of the suspect(s). If you can’t, then assume they were
wearing a hoodie and the cops can just work from there.