Yeah, you may detest the completely illogical package collecting hours, the lumpy bed, and that guy down the hall who blasts shitty rap music at 10 AM on Saturday mornings (an offense which should be punishable by slow and painful death). But the bats (yeah, we have them) and the stupid elevators and the hideous carpet all pale in comparison to this, by far the worst aspect of living in a dorm:
The bathroom.
Gentle reader, if you loved your middle school lavatory, you will sure love your college dorm facilities. Positioned as far away from your room as humanly possible, you’ll cherish that groggy stagger down the hall at 7:30 in the morning, shower caddy and towel in tow.
But hurry, because soon you and everyone else will learn this closely-guarded secret: Your bathroom has one good shower. And by “good” I mean the water pressure is slightly greater than “flaccid garden hose.” Floormates will battle tooth and nail for the right to use this shower. And girls seem to be physically incapable of showering in groups, so only one of your new “besties” can be the Chosen One. The rest are screwed. Get there early. It will be ugly. Because otherwise…well, have you seen the shower head episode of Seinfeld?
You’ve been warned.
If you’re a guy, your commode will always smell like roadkill frying in the noonday Alabama sun. This is because every floor has one kid with bowel movements that have roughly the same destructive force in the bathroom that Agent Orange had on the jungles of Vietnam. He should be banned from defecating by the Geneva Convention, but nonetheless, you must endure. Invest in gas masks, gentlemen. He drops a deuce two or three times a day, and he’s not planning on transferring anytime soon.
Maybe some days you wake up late, and you throw on some sweatpants and dash to class without engaging in proper daily hygiene habits. That’s unfortunate mistake, because when you get back, it’s a guarantee that the cleaning staff will be in there, just beginning to tidy everything up. Yes, it’s true: whenever you want to take a shower, the bathroom will definitely be closed for cleaning.
And though it’s cleaned daily, the old adage is true: wear flip-flops in the shower. If you could see what went on in those stalls all day, you’d want to wear snow shoes for bathing. Unless you enjoy foot fungus, in which case by all means, let your feet go au naturale.
So as a rule, it’s best to just learn to love living in your own filth, and use the bathroom as infrequently as possible. . You’ll be much happier that way. Start counting down the days “til you can move to South.
