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Writing an essay for college admittance is one thing, but
writing an article for reasons to win a tournament is as degrading as admitting
George W. Bush disarmed Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, or that Rosie O’Donnell
is forever missed on daytime television, or that vegan food is a delicious
alternative to bacon. It does not make sense. I would prefer to have all
presidential candidates running for the Republican nominations write essays on
why they should be president. I have diplomatic experience, I know how to
create jobs, and “I’m not afraid to admit I’m a Christian”. Thank you for those
brave words, Gov. Perry. That really stuck it to all the Jews and Muslims that
you’re not going to take their crap any more.
Should Hofstra
have to defend why they should win the Campus Basement Inaugural Tournament?
Really? We need this, and the reason is simply this: we’ve got nothing else going
for us as a student body. Yes, we are getting a medical school set up, which is
all fine and dandy. University President Rabbi-Jewstein claims that all prestigious
schools have one, so Hofstra needs one, too. Yeah? All prestigious schools have
a football team, too. Tit for tat though, I guess. USC has a nationally ranked
football team, the Rose Bowl, and their students don’t have to deal with cold,
windy Long Island weather. We’ve got a good lacrosse team, which is cute. That’s
as great as the USA soccer team winning the World Cup. It’d be awesome, but who
would really care?
We are sneakier
than USC, too, especially when it comes to scandals. Earlier this year, a guy and a girl
had sex on top of one their buildings. Amateurs! We’ve got it going on in the
library bathrooms, our intramural fields, the basketball arena, and common
areas all over campus. And guess what? We do not get caught. We sly on this
East Coast trip, because we know how to stay underground and obscure, just like
the Music/Film major hipsters that go here. “Would you say that doggy-style is
better suited for The Black Keys or is Florence+The Machine a better
choice?” Good question! Either way, we rock the bedroom (terrible pun intended,
mo’fo’s!)!
Plus, when it
comes to the battle of New York versus L.A., New York is a clear winner. New
York is a part of Hofstra, as it is our backyard. If your backyard cost $14.50
round trip for an off-peak forty minute train ride, you would agree as well.
New York is a place where souls and dreams are crushed to help solve problems
like the lack of Porsches in our M.B.A. grad’s garage in the Hamptons. Plus,
if that lifestyle existed in L.A., it would be terrible having to actually
drive your Porsche around. Nobody drives in New York, because there’s too much
traffic. Besides, when you’re a Hofstra grad, people should be coming to see
your Porsche, not the other way around.
Finally,
Hofstra should win this tournament, because we have something USC does not have
unless we let them have it: our venereal disease. The “Hofstra Red” is a little
calling card that separates the Awesome from the Not-so-Awesome. You can keep
the Trojans in USC. We here at Hofstra are as ferocious as lions, keeping every
victim purring like a kitty cat. Campus Basement deserves something they should
be proud of. Campus Basement deserves a winner that can get up just to get down
again.
