It’s 2:00 am and I’m in Penn Station. I watched a woman throw away half a Big Mac in the trashcan and after this policeman passes, I’m jumping on it. I called dibs in my head and everyone knows that totally counts. This is my life now. Not too shabby. But it wasn’t always like this”¦

Before what my therapist and I refer to as “The Incident,” I was a fairly normal person. I checked Facebook more than 32 times a day, I attended all my classes, and I occasionally ate mints off the floor, past the five second mark. But one day at lunch with my friends, I noticed that one of them hadn’t even touched their food. What are you doing? “Temple Run.” Temple Run? What’s that? Is it like a game? “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Alright damn. She was obviously PMSing or some shit but I couldn’t take my eyes of off her screen. Then I watched as the little man she was controlling fell off a cliff. “FUCK!” She was breathing heavily, her face was red, and I really thought she was gonna knock one of us out. “I’m gonna go take a walk”¦.” I couldn’t understand why this game made her so mad. After seeing this overdramatic display, naturally, I downloaded the app on my phone.

After lunch with my friends I went to my room to play this, “Temple Run”. I died a couple times when I started and thought, Okay..I guess this is alright. Four hours later I was crying on my futon and yelling at my phone. (What’s wrong with me? How did I NOT see that tree trunk”¦.) But I couldn’t stop. Those hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and those weeks were honestly, the happiest weeks of my life. I didn’t leave my room, shower, or eat. (I lost 25 lbs in a month!) I started to worry my mother. She then called Dr. Feinstein. Those meetings she set up went nowhere. The doctor would talk and ask me questions but all I could focus on was getting that little motherfucker to collect coins. I was hooked.

Believe it or not, I knew I was addicted. I didn’t want to admit it though. This has to be the least coolest addiction ever. This wasn’t crack, sex, or even table tennis. This was Temple Run. I started hiding my phone from myself, but the call to run was too great. I even put it in a block of ice, but one time my craving was so strong, I bit through that ice and put in work. That was the night I hit 4,000,000 points. I didn’t know happiness until that moment.

Fast forward to now. Hopefully this tale will prevent you from downloading the app or even inspire you to delete it off your friends’ phones. Unfortunately while telling this tale, another homeless man beat me to the Big Mac. But don’t worry about me, the KFC in here might give me a biscuit if I tell them how to get 5,000,000 points. See, it wasn’t all bad!