“Do you
believe in miracles?” is the question every man, woman, and child around the
country was thinking when they watched Madonna perform in the halftime show at
Super Bowl XLVI. While both respective teams were resetting their focus and
shooting painkillers in their knees, Madonna took over the field, hypnotizing
the entire country into a stupor of insanity and pure euphoria. All the
hipsters who were watching the Super Bowl ““ironically, of course- could not
stand a chance. Madonna did everything in her power to not remind us of the MTV
Super Bowl halftime shows, and somehow had us all hoping for another nip slip.

For those REAL men who had to “step away” during
the halftime show because the combination of buffalo wings and jalapeno
peppers was not sitting well, causing them to miss the show, let us recap, shall
we? First off, all the mothers, and daughters who stepped away from
scrapbooking Christmas photos for one night to help celebrate Super Bowl
Sunday were all excited to see Madonna. The same goes for all the wannabe Jews
that live in Hollywood wearing those red strings around their wrist and drink
Kabbalah water. That base is checked to help ensure that Madonna could have
farted into her golden microphone for fifteen minutes, and at least some people
would try to get it. No, that was not enough.

Thanks to
Madonna, all parents are forever screwed and can never say they are “too old”
for some of their kids’ music. LMFAO busted out as the Zebra pattern adorned
Athenians on the stage surrounded by Spartan soldiers, or as Gerard “The Badass”
Butler might say: “Those philosophers and boy lovers”* took over the stage with
Madonna and party rocked every American’s mind. Over 2,000 epilepsy attacks
occurred across the country occurred during this part of the show, but
thankfully, all was resolved when Nicki Minaj and M.I.A appeared. Not many
middle-age men in America knew who Minaj was at the time, but every single man
and cool lesbian friend watching with him were praying for either of those
skirts to bounce a little higher to reveal what could truly eclipse Janet
Jackson’s clamped nipple. I said that before? It is worth mentioning. That was
traumatizing, man.

Cee-Lo Green
making his appearance on the stage proved two things to commence the ending of
the Super Bowl halftime show. First, the new episode of The Voice was totally
pre-taped”¦so disappointing. Secondly, Madonna has proved a theory first tested
by Gwyneth Paltrow, Cee-Lo’s presence onstage will make any white female singer
look good by singing a duet with him.

If I learned anything from Madonna’s
performance, it is that she most definitely knows where the fountain of the
youth is at this point. She is 53 years old, and had a better ass than my last
girlfriend who when I double-checked with is much younger than 53.

*You know Gerard Butler is badass. Just admit it.