This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!
The following e-mail exchange you are about to read is
REAL. All names have been changed and e-mails deleted. Hofstra student go
different places every year for Spring Break which is reflective of our diverse
campus. Many students have questions to ask themselves to decide where to go.
Do I want to get laid? Do I want to be intoxicated? Who can I spend it with?
Who should I be spending it with? Is that professor really going to assign us
work? What a DICK! It’s called a break, not a chance to catch up on reading a
book I read in sixth grade. To help influence where you want to go, this e-mail
exchange illustrates the options you have to choose from given socioeconomic
choices, but just remember to avoid herpes, “that shit’ll come back to haunt
ya.”*
GTL69@smooshing.com: GUYS! OMG U GUYS!
Best idea ever. Check this cruise! 7 days! 6 Nights! CANCUUUUUUUN!!! Women! Booze!
There’s a monkey in a tuxedo that makes jack n coke! Jay-Z is da house band and
there are gonna b daily shows hosted by Lewis Black! This is incredible. It is
EPICosity x1000. I heard Heidi Klum is even going to be there, too. She’s
hosting the BIKINI CONTEST!!! Let’s get it in, before someone else does. It’s
only $15,000!!! My dad can put down for me, talk 2 ur folks NOW!!! -Broseidon
Midnight4Toker20@hightimes.com:
Broseidon! Bro! I can’t afford dat shit. I can’t sheet that kinda green. What
we should do is road trip it to Canada. We can sleep in my van. Girls get cold,
need a place to sleep, we got free lodging. They got free sex. There’s really good weed there, man. I’d
rather support that Canadian grass than the Afghani weed anyhow. I HATE
SCRATS!** That’s what I’m aboot. -Philosophy Major
HatinInDaClub360@snookirules.com: My
parents just offered us the penthouse. Manhattan anyone??? Hittin’ up Pacha
like it’s our job. Im gon b bossin’ it up! Who’s with me? Remember when talked
about snorting coke (no cola, bruh! On a diet!) off a hooker’s ass? This week
can be that mistake!! ““Ima Mon-STAR!!!
MaxL@Gingervitis.blogspot.com: Guys!
Super cool ideas! I don’t have any money though. Wish I could, but I could
barely afford Pacha’s door fee let alone the drinks. $12 for a Budweiser? Are
you kidding me? Let’s just hang out, go to the beach, and we can watch some
movies or something. ““me
GTL69@smooshing.com; Midnight4Toker20@hightimes.com; HatinInDaClub360@snookirules.com: QUIT
BEING A BITCH, MAX!!!!
MaxL@Gingervitis.blogspot.com: L
There you have
it! All the chaos, the choices, cost too much money when you are a little
bitch. Let it be known there a lot of friends who have great ideas. Too bad
what they want to do in a week would cost about half a semester’s tuition. If
you want to party, better give up your dreams and invest your education in
something that is boring, and lucrative like accounting.
It is also
important to know that going on vacation for spring break offers employment
opportunities and should be considered an investment. For all the girls who
love to party, don’t you want the rest of the world to know who you are? On
spring break, you can make a cameo in a straight-to-DVD documentary showing off
yourself and other young lasses how they can go crazy on holiday.
If you
prefer to excuse that last moment of British vernacular and not comprehend your
chances for fame when you party (I hear Jersey Shore is casting new “talent”)
then I guess you can go home and be with your family for a week. You can mow
the lawn, paint the garage, and work on that honors thesis of yours. That
sounds way more fun than drinking a mojito on Miami’s beaches or grinding
against Rihanna’s back-up dancers in a New York sex club. When it comes to going through these e-mails and making a decision, let
me just say that the herpes was totally worth it***.
*Jeffrey Tambor in Hangover. Awesome!!! **Hofstra Scrats. It’s going to be a thing.***Hangover Part II sucked.
