It’s been three weeks or more since all your friends went back to school from their spring breaks. They want on adventures and regaled you via all their cute little new albums: “Sophomores in South Carolina”; “Blueberry California”; “Nut-tugging in Mississippi” just in case you could not figure out they were having a great time. Do they call you? No. Did they invite you? No. Did they ever consider the thought you could also have fun tugging on nuts in Mississippi? No! When HU students come home for Spring Break, all their friends have already returned to their studies working on term papers, checking out library books, and seeing the professor for “extra help”. Our Spring Break may actually be in the Spring, but it leaves no excuse to be all alone at home. This is why HU students need to be more adventurous. Later Spring Break means more time to plan.
Just dream about all the great things, we as HU students can do on Spring Break. After all, we go to Hofstra. That MUST mean that every single one of us can afford some crazy trip to Cancun or Las Vegas that costs half a semester’s tuition just to get away from Mum and Dad who financed the whole thing in the first place. But hey, I’m not the one revving that silver Camaro to compensate for something lacking in my masculinity. Yes, I’m masculine, but I’m also poor. However, since I go to Hofstra, I am therefore completely rich.
So now I divulge to you the ultimate, most awesome-est, radical spring break ideas…EVER!!! If you go to Cancun, don’t just see the Donkey Show, be in the Donkey Show. If you do not know what a Donkey Show is, then do not worry yourself. Just go down to Cancun ask around with your iTranslator or whatever app. you may have. Then when you get there, before the show begins simply scream “¡El Gringo querire en!” and your puta ass will be shown a good time, male or female.
If you’re going to Florida, especially West Palm Beach, you should be on the lookout for Colombian drug lords. When you find them, do not call the cops, because they are squares. This is a great way to make connections and network yourself while on Spring Break. The best part involved with South American drug cartels is the interview process has been reduced from two phone calls, a resume exchange, and farting in a canteen to just getting to stick out like a sore thumb at a pediatrician’s office. Make something explode. If that something you make Boom-Boom more like the Russian mafia’s headquarters and less like the toilet at Baskin Robbins, and you will have some extra money made by the end of Spring Break. It’s the vacation that pays for itself. The name of this photo album should be nice enough for his professor to get extra credit such as “My Internat’l Biz Thesis”, “Scarface fo’ REALZ”, or “Marketing in the 561”.
Otherwise, it turns you could be stuck at home when your parents went on vacation leaving with the yacht and your Dad’s credit card. Well, you spoiled brat, I suppose there is nothing wrong with having a couple ladies who work for Victoria’s Secret stop by? After all, your friends went back to school, and you’re all out of cocaine. Get some size zeroes and twos on the boat and party rock your week away. Maybe next year, your parents will at least stick around for once. I’m not loved. It’s okay, but not cool not inviting me with the Victoria’s Secret models. I would have dived any one you would call “a grenade” because I am a bro.
The adventure has already begun. Spring Break is about drinking during the day, eating lots of fried food, and making your mom sing you a lullaby to sleep. It is about doing what you cannot get done at school. It’s about getting into these new fads all the high school kids are into nowadays like “sleep”. I hope I spelt that correctly. Or if you’re totally lame, you may be doing house chores and catching up on all your reading because your professors are psycho paths and fail you if you get one question wrong on the exam. Since I am totally NOT doing that who knows what will happen this week. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a dragon or something totally awesome like that.
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