Effective in the Fall 2011 semester, Cornell University will
make the process of applying for financial aid “completely impossible,”
according to the Office of the Registrar.


“We’re pretty low on money,” announced the Office of the
Registrar, “and the easiest way to solve that problem is”¦you guessed it, to
make getting financial aid even more difficult than it already is.”


For those unaware, the main reason that people do not
receive aid has nothing to do with how much money their parents make, and
everything to do with their motivation when it comes to filing the 19,839 pages
of paperwork required to get $1,000 per year.


“It’s ludicrous,” says sophomore Max Friedman, “I tried
going over it with my dad. In the end, he ended up taking on four more jobs to
pay for me to go to school. He said it was easier for him.”


However, according to the Registrar’s Office, the slow
economy has led many people to buckle down and “actually fill out the fucking
paperwork,” resulting in a deficit for Cornell.


“Naturally, something had to be done. And sure, we’ll raise
tuition, that’s a given, but we need more. It only makes sense to make sure
that no one at Cornell receives financial aid.”


While Cornell officials are insistent that they will still
be offering financial aid, they are quite confident that “no one is going to
sit through this bullshit.” According to sources, there will now be 400+ pages
of paperwork to file for every dollar of financial aid requested. Additionally,
the Registrar’s Office will be relocated every five minutes to ensure that,
should any students actually go through the tedious process, they will never
track down the appropriate faculty to assist them in receiving aid.