A recent poll among Syracuse students indicates that Newhouse students are the most arrogant. In fact, an overwhelming 99% of the Syracuse University population feels that Newhouse contains the most arrogant students on the Syracuse campus. Most revealing about this statistic is the fact that 15% of the Syracuse population attends Newhouse, meaning that even Newhouse students deem themselves the most arrogant.

James Butler, a junior Broadcast Journalism major, agreed with the results. “We’re definitely the most arrogant at Syracuse, and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous that they’re not in Newhouse. It’s sad, really.”

Some students, however, were upset by the poll results. Karen Markowitz and her fellow Public Relations majors took to the quad and began to picket. “To be completely honest, we feel that we have been misrepresented in the polls. We’re not the most arrogant in the school. We’re the most arrogant in the world.” Markowitz was not alone in feeling resentment toward the results. “Oh, we’re absolutely the most arrogant. We’re the most everything: the smartest, the best looking, the coolest. You name it, Newhouse students are the best at it,” said Mark Campbell, a senior Television, Radio and Film major.

While their arrogance cannot be denied, Newhouse students still fall short in one area: getting jobs. Many Newhouse students spend their entire college lives shooting poorly-lit videos with insulting audio quality, doing almost nothing to prepare for the real world that follows college. Still, Mr. Campbell’s arrogance does not wane. “In Newhouse, we try not to think about [the real world], and we just try to keep the focus on how awesome we are.” Campbell maintains that he has not changed his calendar since freshman year, and that he ignores his cloud-filled future on a daily basis.

Campbell is not alone in this practice: another study indicates that Newhouse students, more than any other group, most frequently force themselves to ignore the fact that they will one day be forced to leave the cushy shelter of the Newhouse school. Since they have to use their imagination more than most Syracuse students – on account of having fake majors – they have unlimited methods of imagining circumstances in which they will not have to ever leave. And since they’re so good at this, some of them may very well succeed in prolonging graduation infinitely. If they somehow found a way to pull this maneuver off, they truly would be the best at everything.

Except for getting jobs.