Hey, Basement men and women! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy birthday!
Good, all of that is out of the way. And without the harsh “Happy Holidays” that politely says, “I don’t give half a shit to find out what you celebrate and greet you accordingly.”
Now, for the awesomeness. We know that a lot of you are on winter vacation. And at this point, you’re at least a couple days in, which means you’re either a) planning which pillow you’re going to use to take out your family members or b) planning where to hide the already dead bodies.
Homicide plans can wait, my friends! This is about pride. About proving that your school is better than all the other schools on this page. About proving you’ve got team spirit. And, inevitably, about proving your innocence to a jury of your peers, despite your fingerprints on the dagger. (Who uses daggers anymore? Pick a better weapon next time, Colonel Mustard.)
What am I talking about? The disappearance of daggers as murder weapons. But before that tangent, I was talking about the inaugural Campus Basement “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament!
Starting December 21, seven schools (and we, the founders (sounds strangely like the Constitution, doesn’t it?)) will compete head to head for all the glory. Competing teams will get a topic to write on, and will both then submit their best version of an article. And you, dear homicidal maniac, get to vote on the winner by sharing the article you like the best.”¨”¨
The tournament will be as follows:”¨”¨
“¢ Wash U vs. Hofstra (12/21)
“¢ Columbia vs. “Cuse (12/22)
“¢ USC vs. Mizzou (12/22)
“¢ Cornell vs. Basement Staff (12/21)”¨”¨
Round Two: “¨
“¢ Winner Wash/Hofstra vs. Winner Columbia/’Cuse (12/26)
“¢ Winner USC/Mizzou vs. Winner Cornell/Basement (12/27)
“¢ Loser Wash/Hofstra vs. Loser Columbia/’Cuse (12/26)
“¢ Loser USC/Mizzou vs. Winner Cornell/Basement (12/27)”¨”¨”¨
After the first two rounds, the bracket will be completed, and the elimination tournament will begin on 12/28 and ending on 1/2.
Of course, if you’re fine with allowing Columbia to destroy you’re Cornellians (like they always do) then don’t worry about it. Or if you don’t care that your Trojans don’t even come close to the Orange in talent, fine, don’t vote for your team. It doesn’t matter that Hofstra is so much better than Wash U, so your vote doesn’t matter anyway. Besides, everyone knows the Campus Basement staff is WAY funnier than Mizzou, knowledge almost as common as the fact that reverse psychology never works.
In all seriousness, support your team! Or else you’ll just be forced to live with the fact that your school is inferior. And you’ll have a lot of time to think about it in prison if you don’t move that body soon.