NEW YORK, NEW YORK – For decades, athletes have blamed drugs,
alcohol, and money for their problems. But athletes revealed their newest
scapegoat yesterday- teenagers wearing a magical jersey.
The
announcement was made during a press conference arranged and attended by Lebron
James, Tiger Woods, and Brett Favre. The three claimed that during the times of
their biggest scandals and crimes, they were under the influence of teens.
“These
kids put on this magical jersey, and they transport into athletes’ bodies!”
said James. The three went on to say that the teens have complete control over
the athletes’ actions and decisions. Favre said, “When I sent those penis
pictures, when Lebron chose Miami over Cleveland, and each time Tiger Woods had
sex with a woman that wasn’t his wife, that wasn’t us. Those were some kids
living their fantasies through us.”
This
isn’t the first report of teenagers possessing athletes’ bodies. From
1999-2003, several All Star athletes reported being possessed by teens. Some of
these athletes include Michael Strahan, Randy Johnson, Byron Dafoe, and Stephon
Marbury. “It’s the weirdest feeling,” said Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner. But
these reports only occurred during games the athletes played. In March 2003,
the teens known as the “Monday Night Football Club” were discovered and weren’t
heard from since then. But the magical blue-and-yellow jersey lived on.
“It
makes sense,” says Woods. “If you were a teen and you were all of a sudden transported
into the body of an athlete, what would you do? Play the game? No. You’d have
sex. Lots of it. With whoever you wanted to. It’s awesome!” exclaimed an
enthusiastic Woods.
After
hearing the news, dozens of other athletes revealed they, too, were under the
influence of teens during times of trouble. These athletes include the Vick
brothers, Plaxico Burress, Donte Stalworth, Josh Hamilton, Michael Phelps, and
former Syracuse Guard Eric Devendorf. Disgraced ESPN anchors are getting in on
the action too. “Did you see that girl?” said Steve Phillips. “I’m f**king
Steve Phillips! STEVE PHILLIPS!”
Investigators
have several suspects in custody. These include: the “Baseball Tonight Clan” of
Elmira, NY; the “College Gameday Alliance” of Erie, PA; and the “Rome is
Burning Army” of Terre Haute, IN. Officials declined to comment on the location
of the magical jersey.
