On Tuesday, Kristen Williams’ alarm went off at 9:00 am. But instead of getting up, Williams turned the alarm off and continued to sleep, despite the fact that she had Intro to Psychology at 10:00.
“I just didn’t feel like getting up,” said Williams. “The class is super easy and the professor doesn’t take attendance, so I decided not to go.”
Her grandmother had not died. She had not set the alarm for pm instead of am. She had not come down with a terrible case of gonorrhea. She simply decided that she did not “feel” like going to class. Instead, Williams spent the day gallivanting about, watching re-runs of Jersey Shore, playing internet bingo, and refreshing Facebook every nine seconds.
“I don’t really see what the big deal is,” said Williams of her actions. “It’s not like we had an exam or anything. Plus, Professor Cho probably doesn’t even know I missed his stupid class,” adding, “Get off my dick about it already.”
The big deal is that Williams may have sparked a trend in college students. Like all epidemics, it all starts with one person. Except HIV, that started with a monkey or something.
University officials now fear that other students may use Williams as an example when they decide not to go to class.
“This is one of our biggest fears,” said Dr. Phyllis van Horne, President of the Professors Against Delinquency Alliance. “These little fucktards think they can just skip class whenever they want. Students need to learn that there are consequences for their actions. If I had skipped class when I was enrolled at Barnard, I wouldn’t have become the president of a made-up organization today.”
Williams has not made known her intentions to attend her next Intro to Psychology class, nor has she given any indication of whether or not she will skip more classes in the future. For now, she says she plans to “just fuckin’ dick around, maybe hit up Sbarro,” and says she will make the decision when the moment comes.
“What we need to do is make an example of her,” says Dr. van Horne. “I suggest some sort of public humiliation, like spreading a rumor that she’s a slut, or maybe a beheading. That’ll show those other fucktards who’s the boss.”
