Local homeless man Garvis Cocktooth recently became something of a media sensation after being crowned by news outlets as “the first person in line for the iPhone 5.” Cocktooth, who has been living on a pile of unfolded Domino’s Pizza boxes outside the Apple Store for the past three years, is completely dumbfounded by his notoriety.
“Who are all you people?” Cocktooth asked to a crowd of Apple fanatics behind him, who were camped out in tents and sleeping bags a full five days before the official release of the tech giant’s latest smartphone. “Can anyone spare some change?”
The homeless man fit right in with the Apple devotees, as they shared an affinity for facial hair and ill-fitting clothes. They also both had difficulty holding a conversation for an extended period of time without getting distracted by something else, like a text message or a used cigarette on the ground.
“That guy in the front is SO lucky,” exclaimed Mandy Pothier, another one of the earlier customers in line. “He’s going to have the iPhone 5 before any of us. And his shopping cart full of cans is so artsy and abstract, I can’t wait to Instagram it.”
Having grown tired of the loudness and poor hygiene of the people surrounding him at the Apple Store, Cocktooth was last seen relocating to an alleyway behind Best Buy, where it was determined by another customer that “he must be an Android guy.”