Rise and shine my hung over comrades of WashU! It’s a new
day and the world is beckoning. Time to forget about what you did last night (if
you haven’t already) and move on to bigger and better things: Saturdays at the
library. Ahh yes. This is the kind of school we go to. We and our frat star
friends make a fool of ourselves at killer
events such as Monmouth, chain ourselves to our books for eight hours, and then
attempt to do it again (keyword: attempt). As I sit in my bed hydrating myself,
I am going to give you the 411 (sorry for the outdated terminology- too hung
over to be witty) on the standard Saturday outfit to the lib.

The Glasses

Saturday glasses insinuate that your previous night lasted
until some ungodly hour (most likely 2:00 am but you like to tell people 5:30)
and now your eyes are irritated by the length of time your contacts were in.
You’re so social your body can’t even handle it. Cheers to you.

Note: You wished you
looked as cute as this nugget in your Saturday glasses. But you don’t. We can
see the bags under your eyes, and the smudged eyeliner from last night looks anything
but smoky.

The Straightened Hair

For most of us, there is no shower between a night out on
the town (or in Lopata Hall) and the third floor cubicles. To be a functioning
alcoholic and manage that 4.0, there is no time for hygiene. Unfortunately,
your hair is no longer as straight as shown in the uncomfortably sleek photo
above. Sweaty dance floors do terrible things to nice hair, so you probably look
more like this.

A Loose Shirt

Remember your motz sticks binge after consuming four pints
of Natty? If guilty, your abdomen is probably not looking at its finest. No
worries. Urban Outfitters has the perfect solution. The baggy shirt. Solves all
of your weekend problems and lets you continue the hang over binge. Thanks for
facilitating the Freshman (sophomore, junior, etc) Fifteen, Vogue.

The Leggings

As a Campus Basement fashionista has previously stated,
leggings are a must at WashU. Paired with an over-sized shirt, leggings prove
that your whole body did not succumb to the trans fats of french fries last
night. You have been spotted at the gym a few times in the past week, and apart
from your recent lapse, you have been preparing yourself for the spring break bikini
season ahead. Don’t worry ladies. Guys still know we’re hot, yet we still feel the
need to wear “pants’ slightly thicker than tights to prove it. Thanks,
consumerism, for empowering women to abstain from respectable clothing options.

The Backpack

Personally, I wear my backpack to bed the night before so I
don’t lose the two extra seconds of studying that it usually takes me to throw
it on the following morning. Hung over people all over campus are trying to make
up for the foolish things they were shouting in Bear’s Den the previous night
in the form of acing a math test. There is a psychological disorder joke
somewhere in there, but I am too hung over to think one up.

See ya in Whispers folks. I am already counting down the
minutes until I can leave that dreadful place and do more damage to my liver.