There is a
dark beast running free somewhere among the Hofstra campus. Its strength is in
its numbers. Its deformity is in its cute ugly face riddle with whiskers and
lifeless, black eyes. It has been around as long as Hofstra has beens a
university, perhaps longer. It plays with yarn, and gets fur balls from licking
its ridiculously stout and furry tail.
I am of
course talking about the horrid abomination when the oversized Hofstra
squirrels and malnourished cats breed, and form a new strange species: the
Scrat. Others know it as the Curl, the Squat, or as they are referred to by one
mentally off French student, Culottes. Scrats are rumored to have first come
about in the 1920s when Kate Hofstra’s (wife of William S. Hofstra to whom the
university is named after) love for cats got too serious, and pure breeds just
didn’t cut it. She began cross-breeding the beloved cats with the local
squirrels. What began as a few here or there in the early years of the school’s
history soon grew into a population that Public Safety could not control. The
Scrats do not seem to adhere to any summons the P-Safe Officers issue to them.
When asked about the number of bongs P-safe had confiscated from Scrats during
the 2010-11 school year no comment was given nor has any official statement has
been issued.
P-Safe
continues to not recognize the existence of the creatures that have allegedly
stalked and sexually assaulted many first semester freshman girls on their way
to an 8 AM class or on their way back crawling back from the local epicenter of
Hofstra’s nightlife, Nacho Mamma’s. Last year alone 65% of sexual attacks on
freshman are accounted to be from these Scrats. As per disclosure, the other
35% were pinned on minorities. P-safe officers
have busted several Scrats dealing Afghani marijuana to students in the
C-Square dorms which then lead this reporter to conclude that these monsters
are working with terrorists and are out to destroy the United States. If this
is the case, this reporter advises those Scrats with internet access and having
enough boredom on the internet to search themselves on Google and find this
site to start somewhere other than Long Island. Time is destroying us without
their help.
After many
close encounters, it is advisable to not carry tuna or acorns at any time while
gracing the Hofstra campus. If you happen to purchase Lackmann’s new special in
the Student Center cafeteria, the ahi tuna roasted acorn sandwich on texas
toast with chipotle mayo, please stay inside. Also, carrying a broom with you
for swatting the Scrats seems to be the only defense. As recently as this
semester, Hofstra’s Quidditch team, and talk of the school’s athletics
community, The Flying Dutchmen’s practice fieldis the only Scrat-free zone on
campus. However, please note this may be a popular site for enjoying their
Afghani weed. Brooms are the best defense and are advisable to be carried with
you at all times on campus (except if you’re walking to class in Hagedorn in
Hall in East Jesus Nowhere; if that is the case please be weary of minorities
on Exercise Science majors suffering “roid rage.).
