Since tonight is the championship game of the NCAA tourney, it seems only fitting to decide, once and for all, which team will win the game based on the most important statistic of all: how badass each team’s mascot is.
Butler Bulldog: On size alone, bulldogs aren’t too menacing. They look like someone put a Great Dane into a trash compactor. Especially their faces. Still, you have to consider the name: bulldog. And bulls are badass. People change their entire wardrobe just so they won’t piss off a bull. They’re also extremely stupid, even for dogs (they rank lower than almost every dog there is), but that only increases their chances. Stupid people are most likely to win a physical fight because they don’t know what pain is. Plus, these dogs are already ugly, so they’ve got nothing to lose.
UConn Husky: These dogs are gorgeous. They’re pretty big, have awesome fur, and they pull sleds. For all you know, they could fill in for Jason Statham in The Transporter! (Though the good acting and lack of a receding hairline may give them away.) But, they’re used to being outdoors in the cold. Being inside on a basketball court for two hours may cause restlessness, and the next thing you know, they’re running outside and towing cars from the parking lot. This distraction, while a hilarious post-April-Fool’s prank, would not be in their best interest when trying to win a championship.
Who Wins: The bulldog. It’s also the mascot of the Marine Corps, so to not pick them is to be unpatriotic. Plus, they have an underbite like Kobe. And that dude is amazing at basketball.
