It’s come down to this. The last game of the year. Winner
take all. For all the marbles. No turning back. Other clichés.

What am I talking about? Why, the BCS Championship, of
course! But what, exactly, is the BCS
Championship? It seems that no one really knows. And even if you explain it to
them””about how all the teams play a season, but some don’t play conference
championship games, and some have harder schedules than others, and that there’s
a computer that determines which two teams get to play for the big championship
based on some unknown, undisclosed variables while others are matched up in new
“championships” that are less prestigious because they were invented by banks
or cellular service providers””well, they raise some valid questions/concerns
about how the whole “system” actually works, especially if they aren’t sports
fans. Here’s what I mean:

Girlfriend: I
don’t get it? Why is it called a “bowl” game?

Co-Worker: Didn’t
LSU and Alabama already play? And LSU won? So don’t they already know which
team is better?

Foreign Friend:
Oh, so it’s the playoffs? What do you mean, “The regular season is the

Sister: It
actually makes perfect sense. See, they take the strength of schedule of each
team, we’ll call that variable “A,” factor that against their overall record,
“B,” then take into account success against common opponents, “C””¦

Barista: You
gonna watch the game? What? No, not that bullshit, the NFL playoffs! What the
hell is a BCS championship?

Foreign Friend: The
regular season is the regular season”¦playoffs are playoffs”¦is there some kind
of translation problem?

Priest: It’s all
the same to me. God’s work is done in the NCAA, he’s moved on to the NFL.
Really, wherever Tebow goes”¦

Girlfriend: Wait,
wasn’t there just a bowl game yesterday? And a few days before that? How many
bowl games are there?! What’s the difference between this one and the other

Man on Street: Please stop talking to me.

Foreign Friend: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I watch cricket.

Sister: “¦and then
calculate which matchups will provide the most entertainment, that’s ” Q.”
Do you really not know this?

Co-Worker: Right,
but they already played. That’s like
watching The Sixth Sense again to see
if Bruce Willis is actually alive this time.

Mom: I think they
should all just quit. That game is dangerous! Did you hear about Michael
Malanga? He has to eat through a straw now!

Cop: Sir, you can’t
just urinate on the subway. I don’t care
how drunk you are!

So clearly the BCS Championship isn’t the best system in the
world. And yes, most likely the game on Monday between Alabama and LSU is going
to end in a final score of 2-0, only because a fan will get so bored from the
lack of offense that he tackles a QB for a safety. But it’s all we have.

It’s like the nice police officer told me, “Sir, just
because put sunglasses on doesn’t mean I can’t see you mooning me. Now please,
pull your pants up and get in the car.”