Early Wednesday morning, in a move that has shocked the SU community, south campus seceded from the North. Sources say the move was long overdue, that students on south campus had been dissatisfied with the union of South and North for several semesters.
“It started out that we were just upset about the buses,” explains Jermaine Williams, a sophomore Marketing major who lives on Small Road. “I mean, seriously, how hard is it to get a bus to main campus on time? They’re only five minutes apart!”
“We voiced our opinions about the buses, and people who live on north just laughed at us,” claims Natalia DiMarco, a junior Sociology major from Skytop. “They laughed! Like we’re some kind of lesser beings! Not cool.”
With the complaints from the Southerners came apathy from the Yankees. “Maybe they should have thought about that,” quips Rob Landry, a senior Biology major, “before they lived all the way in the Boonies.”
Others agree with Landry. “Look, I’ve got nothing against the Southerners,” says Bridget Jordan. “But once they start complaining, “Oh, I had to wait for the bus,’ “Oh, it’s so cold outside,’ “Oh, my friend just died of frostbite waiting for the bus.’ Waa, waa waa! Just shut up! Nobody cares.” Jordan then added, “You know what? I lied. I DO have something against the Southerners.”
Many students are confused about the secession. “Wait, so they can’t go to classes or Marshall Street?” asked Landry, puzzled. “Man, Southerners really ARE stupid.” He added, “and those accents aren’t helping”¦”
Despite their inability to attend regularly scheduled classes or get a moderately-priced drink at Chuck’s, Southerners maintain that it is Northerners who, to use a Southern colloquialism, “get the shit end of the stick.” Because, as Southerners have pointed out, every single athlete at SU lives on South campus.
“Big deal, we can’t go to class,” DiMarco declares vehemently. “Let’s see how long they last without basketball games. We already cleared it with Boeheim, we’re gonna play all the games at Manley Field House,” adding, “Yeah, what up.”
Though this seems to be a blatant lie, Carrier Dome officials confirmed the statement. One official, who chose to remain anonymous, had this to say: “We don’t really need the students, all of our money comes from the locals. That’s why the student section is in such a shitty location to begin with: they’re barely paying anything! So, whatever, we move to Manley and make a killing there and a couple North-campusers miss out. Big deal.”
It remains uncertain how much time will elapse before one side caves and rejoins the other, if it ever happens. Southerners believe that the North will come crawling back to them. Williams was quoted as saying that it’s “way warmer down here, anyway. It’s almost tropical!”
Conversely, the Yanks believe that the Southerners will return sooner rather than later. “There’s just no way they can last,” says Jordan. “And when they come back, there’s going to be a new law: no complaining about the bus. We get it, the bus sucks. No one cares.”
And Landry agrees. “They’ll be back. Trust me, they’ll be back.”
Just don’t expect them to be back on time. Because those buses really do suck.
