Syracuse University was thrown into crisis Thursday. Students and faculty alike fled to the city limits as an enormous fault line opened up, shooting fire and brimstone into the air. Frogs rained down from the sky and the dead rose from their resting places in nearby Oakwood Cemetery to rule as necromancers over the stricken town.
All because sophomore finance major Kyle Richards was able to pick up his package delivery from the Sadler Hall front desk at 3:57 instead of 4, per dormitory regulations. Rules put in place by authorities unknown mandate that students may only obtain packages from the mailroom between the hours of 4 and 10 PM, and at no other point in the day.
“I had no idea it was such a big deal,” said RA Timothy Roberts, who was on duty at the Sadler front desk at the time of the heinous incident, “I ignored that sign on the window that said “4 o’clock means 4 o’clock, not 3:59.’ I guess I thought 3:57 was close enough.”
3:57, as it turns out, was not nearly close enough, as the illicit delivery of the package opened up another dimension in the mailroom. From this dimension all-powerful Mesopotamian entity Gozer Lord of Sebouilla emerged with the intent of fulfilling his quest to conquer and destroy this world.
“These rules are in place for A REASON,” said Residence Life Office spokesman Ryan Macalester as he dodged a large piece of rubble thrown by Dark Lord Gozer, which had once taken the form of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. “We don’t just randomly make up these bullshit procedures in order to satisfy raging Napoleon complexes by ruling over some small insignificant facet of this university with an iron fist. What kind of morons do that?”
When all the world seemed lost to the omniscient will of Gozer the Destructor, or Volguus Zildrohaar as He is known in Sumerian, suddenly the sun burst through the darkness with the power of great righteousness, driving away the necromancers, healing the giant fault line, and melting the mighty Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man into soup.
“I told that fascist RA that I had some life-threatening medication in the package or something, and I had to have it immediately,” Kyle Richards chuckled, “One of my boys, he goes to Penn State and has this killer fake, he just sent me six pack Natty Ice for my birthday.”
On saving thousands of lives by using a bullshit excuse, Richards said: “Well it’s a bullshit rule, man. Seriously, is there any reason why they have that stupid thing? The packages just aren’t quite ripe at three o’clock?”
