In a surprise turn of events, Food Services has announced that it will begin to cook all of its foods. Yes, even meat.

The news comes after a record-high 498 students got salmonella last month, and 315 got e coli. Still, officials are adamant about the change being unrelated to the record illnesses. “We still maintain that those students got sick of their own accord,” says Chuck Thompson, Chief of Food Services. “We simply decided that it was time to start cooking our meals instead of heating them up by breathing heavily on them, which was the old system.”

Students say they welcome the change. “Last week, I ordered food in Schine Dining Hall,” says Geoff Berkley, a sophomore in VPA. “I’m pretty sure there was a chicken beak in there. I didn’t even order chicken! I ordered a bagel with cream cheese!”

Still, many are left to wonder: why the sudden change? After years of serving under-cooked or uncooked food, why the change in policy? Why start cooking now?

“I tried our Southwest Chicken wrap last week,” says Melissa Roswell, a cashier at “It was awful. I ended up using it to keep my drink cold. I can’t believe students eat this stuff on a daily basis.”

It remains to be seen whether or not the new policy will actually go into effect. But one thing’s for sure: no one wants to eat the cold shit they’re serving now.

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