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Wing Wednesday Cancelled, Replaced With This Green Shit
NORTH CAMPUS ““ Robert Purcell Community Center erupted into chaos Wednesday night, as while students and faculty arrived expecting the luscious aroma of Wing Wednesday’s glorious spicy chicken wings, they instead found this green shit. “I look forward to Wing Wednesday all week,” says hungry freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “And low and behold, the Wednesday... MORE »
Year 2031: All Former Long Island SAT Cheaters Now Wall Street Executives
In what is now being described as one of the greatest success stories of the century, five ex-convicts from Long Island, previously incarcerated for defrauding the Educational Testing Service, have all become executives of multi-billion dollar firms on Wall Street. “After getting arrested for taking the SATs for 30 other students when I was... MORE »
Conspiracy Revealed: Adam Sandler Died in 2005; Replaced with Unfunny Look-Alike
For some time, cinema experts around the country have been puzzled by the question of how Adam Sandler could have been so funny in the 90s yet so bad in the past few years. After the release of Jack & Jill this past weekend, however, the authorities have decided that there could only be one... MORE »
Watch Women’s Hockey, Get Rewarded!
So we need to bribe our fans to come to games now? MORE »
Report: Marijuana Would Totally be Legal If Stoners Weren’t Too Lazy To Actually Take Action
This past Wednesday, researchers at the Cornell Department of Policy Analysis and Management were shocked to discover that marijuana would totally be legal if stoners weren’t too lazy to actually take political action on the issue. “After conducting a thorough and comprehensive analysis on cannabis facts, we were surprised to find that there is... MORE »
Administration Chuckles As Students Beg for a More Efficient CourseEnroll System
Administration was reportedly chuckling today as students across the campus cried out for an easier way to enroll in courses for the following semester than the current CourseEnroll system. “I fucking woke up at 6:30 AM to make sure I could get in on time, said fuming freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “After 30 minutes of... MORE »
‘Occupy Gringotts’ Protests Shut Down Diagon Alley for Third Straight Day
Business on Diagon Alley remains at a standstill for the third day in a row this week as Occupy Gringotts protestors clog the streets, impeding traffic and halting business operations. Thousands of wizards from around the world remain convened outside of Gringotts as the protests continue. “One percent of magical creatures [goblins] control all of... MORE »
In Light of Gilad Shalit Deal, Nation’s Top Economists Recommend Americans Invest in Israelis
WALL STREET – Investors and business magnates across the nation Tuesday scrambled to invest in what quickly appears to be becoming one of the most profitable long-term securities in the world: Israelis. “If you look at the numbers, they’re simply astounding,” says Jewish Goldman Sachs CEO, Lloyd Blankfein. “Back in the 1980s, one Israeli... MORE »
In New Policy, Skorton Puts George Orwell “Obey” Stickers on Every Frat Party ID Scanner
NORTH CAMPUS – In what he calls a “friendly reminder to freshmen that we’re watching their every move,” Cornell University President David Skorton has instituted a new policy that requires every ID scanner used at frat parties to bear an “Obey” sticker from George Orwell’s classic novel, 1984. “You see, every time you put... MORE »