Recent science, done by American high school students across the nation who find the subject to be, “for total nerds like Steven Glansberg,” has shown that at some point around junior year of high school fitting in all of a sudden becomes, “lame,” or as some students say instead, “mainstream.”

Saturday morning I was found in an attempt to go against the grain by writing an article for campus basement. Such an activity, researchers say, is only done so that someone may read said article and think, “this guy’s interesting, and funny too!” or even in hopes of just being able to tell someone that you wrote something thats on the internet. Though many of these attempts to seem different, and therefore cool, often backfire years later in hindsight, being edgy and different today seems to be too enticing an offer to let slip. For example, I’m sure years from now a new girlfriend will read this, call me a cynic, and say she’s rethinking things. My need to seem interesting now will land me home alone crying tears of regret and listening to Reliant K’s “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been” years from now. But I’m still willing to write this because now everyone who reads it will know how interesting I am for listening to Reliant K in times of hardship.

Looking back it seems clear to me that much of what I have accomplished was, at the time, merely a foreploy to make me sound like a desirable mate to girls. Getting into college, doing stand-up comedy, reading Russian literature, being a smart ass in middle school, and making the switch to solid foods all sound like great accomplishments in my life that I did to better myself. The truth, however, is that all of these things were simply ways to impress girls at the time I was doing them. Lets be honest, theres nothing girls find cuter than a toddler feeding himself Cheerios from the front pocket of his overalls. Yea, that was me.

Though I realize that the reasoning I have just presented for writing this article gives me less rhetorical traction than an apartheid sympathizer, it also makes me seem cooler than writing an article where my intentions are covered up by quirky twists of words and original observation like a knotted wizard staff of deception. This is because, as any asshole worthy of his title will tell you, the best way to make the most interesting guy around look less interesting than you is to call him out on the fact that he’s doing everything he’s doing for the soul purpose of seeming cool. So by laying bare the fact that I’m trying to seem interesting I’ve now created an infinite loop of me becoming cooler than myself.

At press time I was found telling someone about how they should read this in an attempt to broaden my network of people who think I’m cool. I then preached a, “follow your dreams,” message because that’s always the excuse people use to justify actions that are basically just to make it seem like your good in bed. After my self serving interaction with the faceless person, that in my mind is just like everyone else and definitely not cool or interesting, I walked away thinking to myself how cool they must think I am and where this world would be if people like da Vinci, Einstein, and Jack Shepard didn’t just wanna impress girls really bad. I don’t always write articles, but when I do it’s to make myself seem interesting.