It was a typical day for Dan. He
woke up on a Tuesday morning and began getting ready for his boring 9:00am history
class with Professor Rooney. Only one thing was different for Dan that morning: today was the day his new Fleshlight came in the mail. Over $70 and 3-4 weeks
of raging anticipation, and he had finally gotten the email that every freshman awaits: YOU

The hour and fifteen-minute
history class seemed like thirty years in purgatory. Professor Rooney was
ranting about how nobody in the class reads, and that he “wasn’t going to do
the reading for you!” As the second hand moved to 10:15, Dan sprung up out of
his seat and sprinted to the post office where he was met by a daunting line of
package awaiting students.

After an agonizing fifteen-minute
wait in line, Dan stepped up and briskly handed over his student ID to the post
office clerk. First looking at the ID and then her outdated 90s-era Palm Pilot
the clerk said, “hmmm”¦ it appears as though we don’t have your package.”

Dan’s mouth dropped”¦”but, but”¦ I
got the email!” he exclaimed as thousands of uncertainties rushed through his
worried mind. “The only thing we can do is look”¦ maybe it will turn up?” the unconcerned
clerk said through her stoic face.

Unfortunately for students like
Dan this is an all-too-common problem which arises from the Bryant post office.
As a matter of fact, in 2011, a reported 166 students claimed that the post
office either lost or claimed “zero negligence” on their parcels.

“They lost my condoms!” said Theo
Dumont, a frequent online shopper of

But Dan’s case is different. He has
decided to take legal action against the university post office for the lost
parcel. “I’m not going to have this! In fact”¦ I’m filing a class action suit so
all the students can get what was blatantly lost by the PO!”

Sophomore Phil Harmonic is excited about the
lawsuit, “I will finally be reimbursed for my birthing agent that I bought last
semester”¦ that shit was expensive!” Phil is seeking reparations of $13.

The university post office refused to comment
when approached by our staff reporters.