In prison, it’s said that nothing sets the tone quite like an efficient shanking. In college, though, a first-day shanking did nothing but land Timothy Sorenson in prison.

On his third day on campus, Sorenson decided to find the biggest, baddest student on campus and kick his ass in order to establish himself as the new alpha male, much like he has seen done on TV and in movies about prison life. Sorenson targeted junior Fred Tucker, a linebacker on the football team.

“That little bitch just came up to me and stabbed me,” says Tucker, who luckily survived the encounter with little more than a scratch. “Luckily, he used a butter knife, or else that could’ve been real bad.”

Despite Sorenson’s efforts, Tucker’s rep as “biggest badass on campus” remains intact.

Sorenson was shortly thereafter escorted from campus to the area prison, where he ironically attempted the same exact feat on inmate James “Bubba” Watson. The shit was instantly beaten out of Sorenson, who will soon serve a 16-year sentence for assault with a weapon, as well as a charge of “being a dumbass little shit.”

“Clearly, this is another instance of a youth watching too much television and it leading to violence,” said one outraged mother who clearly spends too much time trying to find ways to blame the entertainment media for all of her problems. “These shows are just too violent. First it was The Sopranos, and now it’s The Biggest Loser. It’s unacceptable.”

(Note: this article in no way condones stabbing students with knives of any sort, nor does it aim to make light of the instances at Virginia Tech or Columbine. Any mother wishing to make claims of this sort may defer to the above characterization of the insane, outraged mother wishing to blame entertainment for real-life problems.)