Dear CollegeMags,

Girl, you need a job. I know. I know. I’m supposed to be giving cool insider information about ways to conquer college, not nag you like a stupid adult. Well, ya dummy, this is cool insider information. Just give me time to explain, ok? God. Sometimes you really are such a bitch.

Now, in my time we get a job senior year. Though this helps, having a job even earlier in college would really be preferable. 

I know you’re probably thinking, but jobs are for lame people. And in the real world you’re right, only lame people have jobs. But in college a job can really boost your rank in social standings.

How is this possible? 

Well, here is the problem — we grow up in a very comfortable house. I know, tragic, right? We don’t really have to pay bills (big ups to M & D!), which is sweet but we also don’t have disposable income which is not so sweet. We are stuck in the boring middle. Not rich enough to be taking Scrooge McDuck money baths every night, but not poor enough to have an inherent dark/cool street urchin tale of survival. And you really need to be one or the other to stand out. This is college 101, kid. Get with the program.

Faking the Scrooge McDuck amount of wealth is just way too difficult for a college student. But taking on a street urchin aura of mystery? Yeah, we can totally rock street urchin. 

That’s where the job comes in.

Get a job, but don’t tell people at first. You’re too mysterious and busy trying to heal from your broken past to do that. At some point in conversation a friend will ask you to meet after class or a fellow classmate will want to set up a good time for a group project meeting.

Your response: “Oh yeah, I can totally do tha– oh, wait. I forgot. I have to work.”

People will automatically be blown away by this new development. They might ask you why you felt the need to give up all the time you could be spending watching Sleepless in Seattle on a loop in your dorm room in order to take a job. Here is a great opportunity to add to the mystery by responding with something like —

“I know. It really sucks. But, well, my health insurance gets really expensive so I like to help out my parents when I can. I really had no choice. I had to do this for my family.”

Your friend will more than likely be too scared to inquire any further because either 1) she is worried that you have some life threatening disease you’ll discuss when you’re ready or 2) she has no idea what health insurance is. Probably the latter. This is college we’re talking about.

Rumors will quickly spread that you come from a family with no money, you’re an independent woman taking matters into your own hands, and you might be dead by the end of the year. Basically, you will rule the school.

Here’s the catch though — you don’t want to take a job where you have to work too much. I mean, working really sucks. 

Definitely do not take a waitressing job. You have to work terrible shifts where you’ll miss out on all the free drinks you would be getting due the fatal disease everyone thinks you have PLUS you’ll have annoying people asking you to hook them up with a free drink or meal whenever they come into the restaurant.

(Side note: definitely become friends with someone who works at a local restaurant.)

I suggest finding a babysitting job. Why? Um, hello, you get paid to watch television and FREE SNACKS. Though, a word to the wise — try to find a babysitting job where you’ll only be taking care of one kid. And make sure that kid is young enough so that you don’t have to talk to it but old enough so that it isn’t crying all the time. An 18 monther should be sufficient.

You should still tell people you work with 5 kids all under the age of 6 though. Then people will marvel at your multi-tasking skills. Oh, but you must be so tired. Mag! How do you work, take care of your ailing health, and get straight As?! You are a phenom! Also, very good at shotgunning beers! I am amazed by you and all your amazingness. Let me introduce you to the entire football team.

So, start looking for a job, you slacker. Your social prowess depends upon it. 

Furthermore, more cash  =  more beer. But that’s a given.