Dearest CollegeMags,

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a
college student in possession of an empty stomach must be in want of an omelet.

Did you just audibly gasp? I bet you did. But
don’t worry, you would have discovered this fact of college life eventually. It
was better I ripped the band-aid off. College kids go nuts for omelets. Don’t
ask me why. I didn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it now. But what
I’m here to tell you is– you need to embrace the omelet. It’s essential to
your on-campus living survival.

And it’s not just “the omelet”; really, it’s the
entire omelet station in the dining hall. Your peers go APE SHIT for the
omelet station. It will come up a lot in casual conversation ““

“Yo, I’m jonesin’ for some omelets. Let’s hit up
the omelet station ASAP.”

“I think the omelet station guy is totally in
love with me. He put green peppers in my omelet this morning. I didn’t even ask
for green peppers. He just gets me.”

“Omelets are the best thing ever. You can get so
many things inside them! Only robots don’t like omelets.”

“Rrrraaaar! Omelet Station!”

So you really need to learn as much as you can
about this area of your dining hall, otherwise you risk being ostracized for
the rest of the semester. People get wind that you aren’t completely obsessed
with the omelet station and they start questioning your entire person. I’m not
kidding. There is a kid on your floor who becomes like the Joseph McCarthy of
the omelet station. If he finds out you aren’t into the omelet, you’ll be
blacklisted from every other station in the dining hall ““ including, yes (are
you sitting down for this? You should be sitting down for this.), the
once-a-week fry bar.

Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak
out. I’m not gonna let anyone take the fry bar away from us. You’ll learn later
in life that with great sacrifice comes great reward. Well, CollegeMags,
pretending to like the omelet station in your dining hall must be our great
sacrifice, the fry bar ““ our greatest reward.

The other reward is that you’ll get plenty of
veggies packed into your breakfast.

Don’t hate me for saying this, but omelets are
kind of good. We kind of like omelets now. PEACE!