Dear CollegeMags,

As finals roll around, you’ll hear a lot of classmates talk about these ancient rituals known as “all-nighters”.

I want you to stay away, CollegeMags. Stay far, far away from all-nighters.

People will talk about doing all-nighters before a big exam like they are some type of awesome new trend only they thought of and are now infinitely cooler than everyone else. They’ll walk around campus slamming down redbulls at 10AM complaining that they “totally got no sleep last night” and “have no idea” what they even studied. But they’ll do it all with a creepy smug smile on their face, because, duh, all the cool kids wait until the night before to cram for the big test.

Here’s the thing: Is pulling an all-nighter really that cool? Umm, well, gee, I don’t know, is peeing your pants cool?

Only sometimes.

It is in NO WAY cool to stay up all night studying. If you really want to pull an all-nighter, at least save it for something worthwhile like a meth binge or watching a 24 hour marathon of cheesy rom-coms from the “80s. Studying is for nerds! Haven’t you ever seen a movie?!

You wanna know what is cool? Sleeping. Sleeping is really cool. Sleeping is really cool all the time.

First of all, it’s way more badass for any individual to stroll into class, hair all over the place, sweatpants on, sporting sunglasses and pillow indents on his face, have a slo-mo gratuitous teen-comedy hair flip and say something like:

“Dude, I slept like 13 hours last night. What? We have a final? No biggie. I’ve been studying little by little everyday, per the schedule assigned to us in the syllabus. I’m ready to ace this mother. Can’t wait to go to the bar right from class. I’m totally energized and ready to drink the rest of the day. Sleep did that for me.”

versus something like:

“Ughhhh kill me! Me ty-ty! Me stay up all night and me still fail test. Me should re-take English 101. Why me talk like this? Must be me no get sleep last night!”

It’s a well-known fact that college students, just like 4-month olds, need to be fed constantly, have a regular poop schedule, and get full nights of sleep PLUS multiple naps, in order to function like human-earthlings.

BEING TIRED SUCKS. Stop pretending like it doesn’t. We are all well aware that Rip Van Winkle was the shit. Stop trying to take that away from him, college douches. Rip Van Winkle was the shit.

CollegeMags, I need you to start the revolution. The sleep revolution. So get out there and start sleeping! Because staying awake is for pussies. Obvi.

Sweet dreams,