Everything you know about astrology is bullshit. This has always been the case, but Thursday reiterated the statement when it was reported that everything you know about astrology is actually bullshit. According to astronomers, the Jets to the astrologers’ Sharks, because of the earth’s rotation, there are actually 13 signs of the Zodiac, meaning that anyone born between November 29 and December 17 is an Ophiuchus and not a Scorpio or Sagittarius.
No one was more affected by the devastating news than Kristin Holland, a sophomore at the University of Minnesota.
“I thought my whole life was figured out,” said Holland, bawling hysterically. “I was Kristin Holland, and I was a Scorpio. To find out that everything I knew about my life had changed”¦it was mind-blowing.”
Upon discovering the news, Holland reportedly shaved her head and ran through the quad of the University of Minnesota, screaming at the top of her lungs, “THERE IS NO GOD!!!” Apparently she didn’t get the memo that God doesn’t subscribe to astrology. Or that shaved heads haven’t been in since 2007 Britney.
Holland later revealed that she was changing majors from sociology to pre-med.
“I read online that Ophiuchus is a healer of men, so it’s only natural that I go into medicine,” rationalized Holland. “I also like that whole serpent thing he’s got going on, so I’ll probably buy a python or some other kind of badass snake.”
Her advisor questioned her decision, assuring her that no one with a 1.9 GPA could ever become a doctor, but Holland refused to be dissuaded by “meaningless grades or statistics,” assuaging her advisor’s fears by replying, “I’m an Ophiuchus now. It’s in my DNA.”
Holland has never taken a biology class, and is unaware of what DNA is. Godspeed, Dr. Kristin Holland, MD and Ophiuchus.
