7 Billion Served: The world population hit seven billion this week. Strangely enough, reports say that it took from Adam and Steve until 1804 to get to one billion, yet we reached seven billion in the 207 years since. How? It’s in the Bible: “And God said, “Let there be Viagra!'”
Not-So-Big East: Yet another team jumped overboard on the S.S. Big East this week when West Virginia applied to the Big-12, leaving many college sports enthusiasts to wonder: when is there going to be a BCS Playoff?!
Winter Blunderland: The East Coast saw its first snowstorm of the year this past weekend, with some areas getting as much as two and a half feet of accumulation. Snow in October? Cue the Rapturists: “I told you God didn’t approve of your Charlie Sheen lifestyles!” The next rapture is scheduled to coincide with the end of The X Factor.

Word, Son: The Common Application reinstated a 500-word limit on personal statements last week, drawing ire from some students who felt that the guideline restricted their creativity. Yes, because what college administrator doesn’t love to read a 3,000-word piece on why an 18-year-old is awesome? 
OccupyUnemployment: Mayor Michael Bloomberg took away protesters’ generators, leaving them without electricity or heat, and leaving me “powerless” to refrain from making pun-themed jokes (that one’s a freebie):
   1. Yet another example of the 1% seizing all the power.
   2. He didn’t want them to freeze, it was just a power play.
   3. He’ll never be the head of a major corporation”¦ wait”¦that one’s from Austin