Andrew Lohse stinks.

No, it’s not a hygiene thing. It’s because he was the victim
of fraternal hazing. According to a report, Lohse, a Dartmouth senior, was
forced to swim in fecal matter, urine, semen and rotten food while pledging
Sigma Alpha Epsilon in the Fall of 2010. Lohse also reported being forced to
drink vinegar “which caused one pledge to vomit,” eat vomit omelets (informally
known as vomlets), drink beers from a pledge’s ass, and vomit on other pledges.

Despite all of this, Dartmouth officials did nothing to
rectify Lohse’s situation. According to several Dartmouth officials, Lohse had
no proof.

“If he had come to us with
another pledge who happened to be vomiting on him in our office, maybe we could have done something,” said Associate
Dean June Johnson. “But that wasn’t the case. Unfortunately, all we have to go
on is your average “He Said, She Said.'”

Added Johnson, “If I had a nickel for every time a student
came in here with an absurdly consistent and specific hazing story”¦”

Johnson’s desk is piled high with hazing complaints, which
Johnson has labeled “Hazing or Boys Being Boys?”

According to Johnson, instances like this arise all the
time. She recalled that, in Spring 2001, a student walked into her office
“literally covered in purple vomit. But how do I know he didn’t just vomit on
himself? See what I mean, there’s no proof of hazing!”

Greek life officials were quick to defend Johnson’s

“The word “hazing’ gets thrown around so often these days,”
said SAE President Brad O’Donnell. “I mean really, name me one college student
who hasn’tbeen vomited on and I’ll show you ten who have. Hell, I wake
up to a full mug of Folgers and a quick scrub in a shit-filled tub. Hazing shmazing.”

When asked if Dartmouth officials would continue to look
into Lohse’s allegations, Johnson sounded skeptical.

“It’s like I said, we need proof. So either it has to happen
in our office, or else there needs to be a video of Lohse swimming in excrement
while other men wearing Sigma Alpha Epsilon sweatshirts chant “Andrew Lohse is
swimming in excrement as a result of hazing!’ and the video needs to get at
least 15,000 views and 100 comments that say, “Holy shit, that’s 100% Andrew
Lohse and he is definitely being hazed.'”

“Until then, I’ve gotta get back to doing whatever it is
university officials are paid to do.”