After Benny’s Café hosted an open-mic night last Thursday at Indiana University, many students left the event wondering, “Why the hell are college bars and cafes hosting open mic nights?”

“I just don’t understand it,” says Christine Baker of Purdue University. “First off, anyone who’s good at music doesn’t go to college, they smoke a lot of weed, buy a van and continue to assure you that they’re “gonna make it.’ Secondly, these people at open mic nights make their acoustic guitars sound like angry cats raping a xylophone.”

Other than the occasional performer who played a cover of “Don’t Stop Believing” down two octaves, most of the artists either played original music that sounded “eerily similar to most songs by Dispatch,” or songs that were covers that “could have been played better by a quadriplegic with Parkinson’s.”

Still, many of the open mic artists were optimistic about their performances.

“I really shredded it in there,” said Zach Ionella, “I wasn’t sure if they were feeling it, but when I busted out my acoustic version of Blink-182’s “All the Small Things,’ the entire crowd was on its feet!”

Ionella added, “And sure, they got up to leave, but the point is they felt my art.”

Despite Ionella’s optimism, Benny Gladwell, owner of Benny’s Café, is uncertain about the future of open mic nights.

“If I hear one more cover of “Crash Into Me,’ I’m shutting down the café,” said Gladwell. “Seriously, don’t these kids know any other songs? It’s like everyone with a guitar tries to play the same fucking songs! There are artists out there besides Dave Matthews Band and Dispatch, you little fuckers!”

Next week’s open mic night is scheduled to feature one particular performer who will struggle to play “Blackbird” in its entirety for the entire half-hour set.