After months of research, your team of Michigan CampusBasement scientists has made a shocking discovery. Gentlemen, playing the guitar will no longer get you laid. Recent reports state that finger picking your way into panties has plucked its final note.
It was a joke to Dylan; your father had it easy. Playing in a band used to be the aphrodisiac, but not anymore. Back in the 60’s and 70’s strumming away on a guitar, anywhere on campus, was a guaranteed way to get poon. Since then, courting with chords has been on a steady decline, and it is presently announced to be over.
Amateur guitarists on campus are now nonexistent. Ann Arbor is no longer home to tight jeaned hipsters in the diag playing Blister in the Sun, douche frat guys playing on their oversized front porches, and no more new bands hoping to play at the Blind Pig. The age of guitarists has come crashing down.
A female student, when asked about this extinction, stated that, “It’s a good thing. They [guitarists] were all just like so boring, and they all knew the same songs. I’m sick of hearing Wonderwall, and Free fallin’ nasally sung by a former camp counselor.”
Scientists have been unable to predict when and if guitar playing might reclaim its magnetic spell on female college age students.
“The girls just don’t like it. It’s very simple, and not so simple at the same time. Allow me tab it out; its been overdone. Still, it’s not like the wooing of young women has come to an end, see, it seems todays young men are resorting to a new phenomenon I’ve encountered in the field called, rapping at a girl.” Said Herman Garmen, MCB’s head scientist at his revaluating news conference.
Rapping at a girl is the process of a male suitor literally stepping up and into a girls personal space, right up in her face, and rhyming words together about what his intentions are. Rather than hinting at the nitty gritty, it is encouraged to blatantly spell it out. This is all done while keeping a steady, and hypnotizing beat. It is a rising phenomenon on campus. Studies have shown that the more vulgar a rap at a girl is the more successful it will be.
Other rising tactics to fill the acoustic mate-seeking void include: symphonic bands, which play Mozart to passing women, guys obnoxiously banging on trash cans because they couldn’t find a drum, an army of didgeridoos, and most effectively some University males have turned to dressing in medieval attire while playing the lute in order to serenade any lady that will listen.
The days of fender are finished; a new era begins. Remember science still has yet to crack exactly what girls do like, but has added another thing to the list that they do not like. As head writer of the University of Michigan CampusBasement, I’ve personally funded all of this research and the second our team of top-notch scientists solves this ancient riddle, I will scream it from a mountaintop, for all to hear.
