Michelangelo had David, Joe Louis had Joe Louis arena, Dave
Brandon had the night game, Mary Sue Coleman: has Slutty with a Study Buddy, at
the UGLI. This past Saturday, Sorority Iota Delta Epsilon (IDE) held their winter semester
formal at the highly relevant Shapiro Undergraduate Library. Sororities have
been competing all year long for optimal positioning in the UGLI.

Stacy Staysea, a junior and social chair of a rival sorority, had this to say, “Every
morning we’d send one of our littles just to make sure we got that spot. It was
our spot.”

It was the UGLI’s first date party. President Mary Sue Coleman announced earlier this week
that a deal had been made with IDE to rent out the 2nd floor.
Details about this deal have yet to be released, and Carrie Sue Coleman, Mary
Sue Coleman’s niece and freshmen in IDE, declined to comment.

With respect to all other students, the basement, first, third, and fourth floors as
well as the CAEN lab for the engineers, were left open, but only accessible by
elevator. Some students were outraged that Bert’s, the coffee hotspot, was
closed during the events 10:30 pm-2 am hours, while the Bert’s employees were
busy bartending on the 2nd floor. President Coleman was sure to note
before the event that the recent construction work on the front stairwell was
to make it more “heel-friendly”.

At 9:00 PM on Saturday the 2nd floor of the UGLI was almost at capacity.
Laptops with assortments of Greek stickers were scattered in their separate
circles, a guy sitting alone was talking on the phone about how awesome his
night is going to be, all was normal. This was until just after 9:15 when an
announcement warned students to exit the floor within
fifteen minutes.

“I need to study, I have work to do, I have a lot of problems, I’m raging on Adderall.”
ranted a disgruntled freshmen potential business major from New York.

Promptly at 10:30 a bus pulled up the service drive with what appeared to be underclassmen
of the sorority with their dates. All were dressed to impress in typical date
party attire, complete with backpack and an empty water bottle. Upon exiting
the bus sorority pledges promptly stepped forward with a cup of coffee ready to
carry in the dates’ backpacks and laptops. An hour later the older, and notably
rowdier upperclassmen arrived to study.

Only IDE sisters and their individual invitees witnessed this monumental occasion for
the University, as well as for Harold and Vivian Shapiro, who were not in
attendance due to lack of a date in IDE. Those who did attend the event had
little to say afterward about the decor, or what was done with the books and computers.
Nate, a senior date, stated on the following morning that, “There was a lot of
booze. Lots of shots. Lots of books. Lots of open outlets too.” He urged that it
be included that he did, in fact, get laid during the event in study room 2134.

Following the event, at 4:00 am it was announced that the 2nd floor would not
open up at its usual 5 o’clock time, and that an estimated time frame would be
released after further cleaning. Finally, at 10:30 in the morning, the 2nd floor retreated
back to its normal ways; the air smelled hungover, like vomit mixed with a good
time. Most students sat down and began to study, having no idea about the
previous nights glory. Still, it had happened, for one brief moment in time, the territorial
study ground that is the 2nd floor of the UGLI was filled with
laptops bearing only one sorority’s letters: IDE.