Ok, so Tom Brady didn’t win the Superbowl”¦again. He still
makes the rest of us guys look like prepubescent seventh graders just popping
our first pimples. He’s TOM BRADY. Just look at that smile and remember; he
went to school here. He may not have started, or even played many games, but he
is the Michigan Man. He earned this title on and off the field. I see this same
potential in our current quarterback, a Mr. Denard “shoelace” Robinson.
Obviously it’s going to take a lot of time, football games, tears, selling his
and his coach’s soul to the devil, but whatever, it’s definitely worth it. On
the field Denard has a lot of work to do in order to claim Brady’s titan-like
status, but off the field is where things get tricky.
Denard’s five off the field steps to achieve Brady status:
1.
He needs a hot wife, and it has to be Beyoncé.
His future lady can’t be a supermodel; Brady already won that game by figuring
out Victoria’s Secret and winning Gisele. Thus Denard’s only option is to
stiff-arm Jay-Z out of the equation, recover Beyoncé from the dog pile of a
divorce and live the rest of their lives together with Jay’s kid. Everybody
loves a family man!
2.
Start a foundation. All pivotal icons create a
charity foundation that they hire people to care about for them; it’s that
damn important dammit! What his cause is makes no difference, as long as it’s
non-communist. Denard’s-Shoelace-Foundation: teaching underprivileged children
how to safely run around in shoes without laces. Hell, I’d donate one old pair
of shoes with worn out laces. I’ve got about five in my closet anyways.
3.
Be labeled one of People Magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful people”, twice. Once just
isn’t enough, Brady did it once in 2002. But hey! Denard’s a pretty good
looking guy. It’s rare you see him walking around campus with less than four
ladies following him. Credit to those chicks though, it’s not easy to follow
Denard; he even walks fast.
4.
World leaders must know his name. Obviously
Obama knows who Denard is, but does the queen of England? Canada’s Joseph
Harper? China’s Hu Jinato? Russia’s Dmitriy Anatolyevich? (Great last name).
Shit, before he died even Gadhafi was known for rocking his #12 Pat’s jersey
every Sunday, and even most Mondays. Denard has to get to this level around the
world, and in order to do so I recommend he visit the next UN summit and lobby.
What he lobbies for doesn’t really matter, as long as he’s in the lobby
introducing himself to the world leaders as they pass by.
5.
Kill Tom Brady. I know, I know, this sounds kind
of harsh, but there can only be one Tom Brady in this world. Killing Brady
isn’t going to be easy either; it takes a lot of pressure, and he’s usually a
well-protected man. Usually. Still, Robinson is deceptively quick, and as long
as he’s never convicted for the murder all’s well. The not going to jail part
is key for Denard’s future success.
Once Denard accomplishes all of this (and probably some
football related stuff as well) he will truly replace Brady, by evolving into Tom Brady, evolving into THE Michigan Man.
