A recent study conducted by the American Sleep Society shows that attending class while enrolled in college may cause students to instantly fall asleep. The ASS has issued a warning to campuses nationwide, alerting professors to watch for signs of the disease, including, but not limited to, drooling, hypnic jerks, snoring, wearing pajamas, heads slipping off of hands and slamming onto desks, falling out of chairs, and rolling out a sleeping bag in the middle of a lecture.
The study comes after an incident last month at the University of Wisconsin where junior Erik Miller entered his lecture on 19th century literature and instantly went into a coma.
“It was honestly one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen,” said classmate Ted Griffith. “The dude literally walked in and straight up fell down.”
Miller was later transported to a hospital where doctors declared him incapacitated due to “some boring-ass shit.”
Other students’ narcolepsy is less sudden. At Penn State, sophomore Amanda Wilson arrived at her astronomy class but did not fall into an unconscious state until several minutes into her professor’s lecture.
“Ms. Wilson walked into class the same as always,” said her professor, Robert Papous, “she was wearing pajamas and carrying a pillow and a sleeping bag. Usually, I don’t pay any attention to my students during class because I am in the zone talking about the moon, but after the warning by the ASS, I was on the lookout for any unusual behavior.”
According to Papous, he had just gotten to the crux of the waxing and waning cycles of the moon when Ms. Wilson “passed the fuck out.”
The ASS is warning professors that if they continue to teach in such a “lame-ass manner,” students will continue to suffer from this phenomenon, which medical officials are coining, “mental whiskey dick.”
