For those of you who are freshmen, embarking upon this journey called college and moving into your dorms tomorrow and Thursday, you are going to arrive to a strange land. A land where people approach you as soon as you pull in, and demand that you give them your stuff.

I’m talking, of course, about the Goon Squad. The Goon Squad, despite how it seems, was not established to burgle all of your worldly possessions, nor do the members of Goon Squad have any such competition wherein they see who can acquire the most stolen items in a single shift. On the contrary, the Goon Squad is there to help you. They may seem a bit sketchy at first, especially to those of you from New York, where anyone trying to help anyone is either a) a pedophile, b) scamming you in some way, or c) Canadian. But once you get to know them, you’ll realize that they’re only there to help. They have a pretty extensive screening process for students wishing to join the Goon Squad, they don’t just let anyone join. In fact, I was on the Goon Squad.

Now that I think of it, you may want to hold on to your valuables.