Tired? Easily losing focus? Often
allowing yourself to count 30 minute naps as studying for your math final? Because
you were able to count from 12:08 to 12:38 doesn’t imply you’re going to ace
your Math 30a final.

            Calling all college students, the
solution has been discovered. With this quick fix you will be on your way to
acing your finals. Commonly used by ADD individuals, this highly effective drug
has just been cleared for treatment of Finalsweek
disorder. (A common condition found on college campus, symptoms include
stress, lack of sleep, writing statuses instead of papers, and ripping out your
hair.) It’s Adderall, kids. Adderall calms nerves, allows you to concentrate
and does no external bodily damage. Within 20 minutes of ingesting the pills,
you will find yourself writing papers, studying for finals, and staying off Facebook.
Now you may ask where you can purchase these heavenly pills. Well, for a limited
time, the span of finals week, Hofstra will have the College Edition Adderall Packages
for purchase in the student center next to the containers of Red Bull. Now
before you run to the student center check your e-mail kids cause you may just
have a package waiting for you thanks to the good old parents. It’s the finals
care package. It is jam packed with junk food and for the first time this year,
the finals care package comes equip with one College Edition Adderall Package.
The College Edition Adderall Package includes ten Adderall pills, an Adderall T-shirt,
and a complementary bottle of Adderall laced water.

            Got
extra money on your Hofstra card? Swipe away. Stock up on extra Adderall packages
to give as gifts during the holiday season. The recipient of the gift can wear
the shirt now, drink the water after spending the day with the family, and pop
the pills during the spring finals week. Anyone would be more than thrilled to receive
an Adderall package for Christmas. So, am I telling you to take Adderall? Do I
even take Adderall? No. But the point of the matter is, its finals week. The
last week of classes. The last week you see your friends, the last semester you
will receive your academic scholarship (sad but true), and the last week you
get no sleep. So grab your College Edition Adderall Packages now at the Hofstra
Student Center. Side effects include: stomach pain, vomiting, dizziness, headache,
fever, and trouble sleeping. Enjoy.